07 May 2010

Two Days in Dover, Delaware

So we've just come back from Dover, Delaware, which is exactly like civilization, only less.

Imagine a church. Nothing fancy. Just a building with a cross. Now imagine a short drive from there you find a liquor store. Now imagine a car dealership next door. And finally, a moving company. Now imagine this pattern repeating itself over and over again along the most depressing road on the planet.

I'm exaggerating. This is only the most depressing place in America. Actually, it doesn't even look like America, because they must have taken all the American flags once the evil Commie Muslim usurper has taken over. Now they're just praying, getting drunk, and buying a car in the hope of getting the hell out of Dover.

Don't get me wrong. No one asked me to squeal like a pig, but that's just because people seemed too depressed.

We stayed at the Dover Downs, which also has slots. And apparently a bunch of small people beat up horses there every once in a while. I did push my way up to the 4th floor, past the breathalyzing great grandmas who've been sitting by the 1c machines since 1c was almost enough to buy you a ticket out of Dover, to find the Blackjack machines. Here's how it goes:

You sit with a few other people, just like you would at a regular blackjack table, only instead of a busty dealer giving you the cards, you have a video of a busty dealer giving you cards. For some reason, it felt even creepier to stare at her cleavage. Every once in a while, the virtual dealer pretends to see someone she knows. And she's always smiling, no matter how good or bad you do. The virtual dealers come and go, and when a cute one comes up, the other guys sitting with me say things like, "Yea, that's more like it!"

Hey guys, take a look at the view from our hotel window! Yep, it's the rooftop of the lobby!

When someone at the hotel saw I was there with a two-year-old and a month-old, she was nice enough to suggest a fun activity: go up and down the corridor!

And I tell you what. Baltimore always gets a bad rap. There's crime and heroin and racism and gentrification and parking is a drag and downtown traffic is messy and the harbor is dirty and sometimes life is not too easy around here, but coming back to Baltimore, you feel like you're finally in a place that makes sense.

And look, straight from Dover, DE, also known as the Hungary of the East Coast, to an open air concert in the park in Baltimore.

Ahhhhhh... Home...


SJ said...

I am really sorry that you had to go through this. Remember it's at places like Dover churches and gods make sense. If you ever need a friendly shoulder to cry and are willing to pay for the beer I am there for you.

Dan said...

Damn! I just booked a three week vacation there!

CaraBee said...

Delawareans have elected and re-elected Joe Biden for the last 35 years and you're surprised they don't exude optimism, class and intelligence? It's a miracle they haven't committed ritualistic suicide.

Kirsten said...

Wow, I don't think I've ever met a person from Delaware. I honestly didn't think it existed... then you go and post photographic and written evidence.

People in the Sun said...

SJ, yet you weren't there when I needed you most! Where were you when the busty robot took my money?

Dan, no worries. After a couple of days you'll just enjoy the variety of churches.

CaraBee, hey, you're not even going to give him Optimism? He's like that old guy on Hill Street Blues. Just like the people of Delaware know life in Delaware sucks, the cops all knew being a cop sucked, but at least they had a guy who could tell them, "Let's be careful out there."

Kirsten, well, I can't guarantee it wasn't all in my head. I CAN make up some really fucked up stuff. I mean, a place like that can't be real.

Molly said...

It's Dover. *shrug* The only good thing that ever happened to me in Dover was competing in a state-wide drivers-ed competition when I was sixteen.

I'm from northern Delaware, and let me tell you, it's like night and day. If you ever get the opportunity, Newark [in the summer, when all the students are gone] and Wilmington are LOVELY places to visit.

I'm never moving away from Baltimore, though.

People in the Sun said...

Molly, and I understand the beach is nice too. But still... I was once in what Palin called the "Real America" part of Virginia, in a wedding, and I went outside to smoke. I started talking to the limo driver. He noticed my accent and asked me where I was from. I told him I was from Israel. He said, "Oh, Israel! Isn't that in England?" My Delaware experience felt a bit like that.

Molly said...

Ha! No, I totally get it. Lots of people don't even know that Delaware is a state. :D

It's cool, I'm really from Baltimore, now.

People in the Sun said...

(And Molly, Happy Birthday, by the way)

Molly said...

[thank you!]

ileenieweenie said...

Cuz- I love your blog! Sorry for the crappy trip to Dover, but at least you have two adorable short people and a hot wife to cheer you up. Miss you!

cooper said...

I was there last year for part of a conference. It was awfu. I have a friend who works in Lewes DE, at the beach and it is a whole different world there. Well half a different world as least.

I played jack off a machine ....yup, God there were a lot of old people, I have nothing against them but there were too many of them for my taste and I remember looking for a Barnes and Noble or something and someone just laughed.

Baltimore is urban heaven when compared.

Katherine said...

Isn't it nice to get home? Especially when traveling with small kids!!

Never been to Dover... sounds like a swinging place!

Woozie said...

The only times I've ever been to Delaware were to accompany my friend whose parents were going skydiving, and to go to a NASCAR race. I enjoyed both, but only because I was young and didn't see Delaware for what it was.

People in the Sun said...

IleenieWeenie, is this THE IleenieWeenie? Nice to see you here! They are pretty cute, I'll give them that.

Cooper, hmmm... Honey wanted to go to the beach, and I thought there was no point... I ruined her life again...

Katherine, yep, everything makes sense when you're home, no matter where it is.

Woozie, you lost me on NASCAR, though. I mean, I understand monster trucks. I even understand Sarah Palin. But NASCAR doesn't make sense. It's not them, it's me.

blues said...

This is exactly how I feel when i go to phoenix, that there are approximately four types of places you can go in town and they are multiplied over a 475 square miles.

Sebastien Millon said...

I was so psyched to visit Dover and now you tell me this??! Well, I guess I'm still pretty psyched, especially since I think church, liquor, and cars mix really well together, the ultimate cocktail!

People in the Sun said...

Blues, so I shouldn't bother with Phoenix... I want to drive from coast to coast one day, but then I think I have nothing to do in the middle, between the coasts.

Sebastien, if you drink and drive, it helps if you're good at praying.

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