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26 February 2010

A Story With a Punchline

So the Water Damage Inspector comes in to check if after two days of crazy giant fans everywhere our walls and ceiling are dry enough to start the restoration work. He comes there with another woman, a new employee who is supposed to follow him around to learn. As soon as they get upstairs, Liam hands her this book.

Layla Tov Yareach

She recognizes the Hebrew and asks me if we've ever taken Liam to Israel. I tell her that yes, because his grandparents live there.

"Whereabouts?"

"Tel-Aviv."

"Oh... Is that... Is that the capital?"

"No. Jerusalem is the capital, but--"

"Of course it is. Certainly."

"No, it is. But Tel-Aviv is the biggest city."

"But wait, where's the US embassy?"

"All the embassies are in Tel-Aviv, for political reasons. But the capital is--"

"Of course, of course. The capital is Jerusalem, of course."

"No no," I say. "I'm not making a political statement. Jerusalem is the capital, and--"

"Of course it's the capital. Just because there's some mosque there it's not going to be the capital?"

But that's not the story I was going to tell. This one is the story with the punchline:

Before they leave, while the women shows Liam pictures of her dogs on her cellphone, the guy comes up to me.

"So, I finished inspecting everything. You can call the insurance company and tell them that they can send someone to start the restoration, because all the walls and the ceilings are dry now, apart from the tiles on the third floor bathroom, but that's just because of the semen."

About a minute goes by. I'm just looking at him.

"I'm sorry?"

"You have semen between the tiles."

"Oh. I do? Oh, yes yes."

(cement)

18 comments:

CaraBee said...

I can only imagine what was going through your head when he said that.

Hysterical!

metalmom said...

I am a mental 12 year old.

I can't stop giggling long enough to comment intelligently. LOL

Xbox4NappyRash said...

brilliant...

A Serious Girl said...

I actually laughed loud enough that my husband came out of the kitchen to see what the hell the noise was.

JK said...

I thought the other one was going to chime in with some comment about "spilling seed".

People in the Sun said...

Cara, it was mostly embarrassing. I mean, for his electronic reader to come up with enough to merit a discussion there had to be a lot of stuff stuck between the tiles.

Metalmom, I couldn't wait for them to go so I could write it down.

Xbox, I can't take credit for that. I was just there when it happened.

Serious, I hope he learned a lesson about proper tiled-floor etiquette.

JK, the woman? She was oblivious. I'm staring at the guy while in the background I can hear her describe her cellphone pictures. There were dogs, cats, and last year's Orioles opening day. Every time my boy sees a picture of her cat, he says, "Kitty cat say Meow." Salvation was not going to come from either of them.

Ellie said...

Did you blush?

SJ said...

Did you think if left the seed there it would grow into a baby plant? Surely you know how babies are made by now... right? right?

People in the Sun said...

Ellie, I felt bad. I thought they'd never catch me. I didn't know they had instruments that tested for these things.

SJ, that's how Jewish people do it.

Sebastien said...

A very dirty mind you have! I wonder if it's possible to tell someone they have semen spillage in the bathroom with a straight face.

People in the Sun said...

I did think it was a bit rude to tell me something like that. A little euphemism would have been more polite.

A Free Man said...

Are you sure that he meant cement? I mean, well, I don't think I'll say anything else...

People in the Sun said...

Well, whatever he meant, I'm going to be more careful from now on. Instead of holding a porn magazine in my hand, I will simply cover the floor with torn pages!

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Oh!!!! Porn magazines! And growing babies from seed! But of course!!!! No wonder I was so confused.

I have a friend who has never had sex in a bathroom (and in fact seems confused at the very possibility). I mean...why wouldn't there be...?!?!? :-0 But porn and seed babies, now that makes so much more sense. Sort of.

Ricardo said...

OK I was going to ask just what the hell you were doing with the tiles in your home. LOL!

People in the Sun said...

Jill, no no no. You see, it was a BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.

Ricardo, there's just something so beautiful about perfect squares.

formerly fun said...

I'm still trying to get my head around the discussion prompted by the Hebrew version of Goodnight Moon.

Oh, and clean your bathroom you dirty birdy.

People in the Sun said...

Formerly, I guess that one didn't have a punchline... It's just always weird for me to hear people who find out I'm Israeli and see this as an opportunity to give me all their uninformed opinions.

And I've learned my lesson. I removed the tiles and put plastic instead of the cement.

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