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30 January 2010

In which I write a post to avoid having a nervous breakdown

Alito

What day was State of the Union? I wanted to watch it live, but it started just before the baby was going to sleep, so instead of me watching it by myself while Honey put the baby down, she suggested we DVR it and watch it together. Rock'n'roll, Baby, whatever turns you on.

But apparently it wasn't a romantic date. An hour later, when we actually started watching, she was a little tired. When Obama said what he said about the Supreme Court, and Alito, who decided to go without his glasses to look cool, shook his head and said, "Simply not true," I said, "Honey, did you see what Alito just did?" And she said, "Yes." But then I realized her eyes were closed, and probably had been closed for a while.

I had a friend in school, who always took his glasses off to impress the girls. He sometimes even had a cigarette in his mouth. But he had Asthma, and he couldn't see without his glasses, so that look didn't really work for him.

Anyway, did you see that Baltimore thing, with Obama vs. 140 Douchebags? Motherfucker is gooood. These people spend their days calling him a Kenyan terrorist Communist Muslin abortion loving pervert, but when he comes over, they push each other to get his autograph.

A few weeks ago, last time it snowed, our crazy neighbor started shoveling the entire block at 6am. I woke up and just stood by the window, watching her, thinking about the most offensive thing I could tell her. Honey said I needed to relax.

Today's snow storm has just ended, which means the neighbor is down there now. It's 10pm, and she's just started shoveling the block. Again, I stood by the window, and Honey told me I needed to relax.

"What the fuck is wrong with her?" I asked.

"You need to relax."

"Look at her... It has to be a perfect square. She can't just shovel a path. It has to be perfect. Look at that. It's like it didn't snow today. And... Oh my God, she's moving to the next house... She's crazy!"

"You need to relax. You can't just stand there and watch her all night."

"OK. What if I told you there was a crazy person doing crazy things outside? Wouldn't you come to the window and watch him?"

"Yes, but she's been shoveling our snow for seven years now."

So now I'm downstairs, waiting for the neighbor to finish shoveling the block. I've been banished.

It was my birthday this week. 37-years-old. I don't know what else to say. I love round numbers, so 37 is just stupid.

Now the dogs are barking. Maybe it's because there's a crazy woman with a shovel outside. Fucking cunt. Sorry.

Things have been pretty good here. It's not easy right now, but we'll make it. And it's worth it. If she has Honey's face and my brain, that girl is going to be beautiful. Not that clever, but beautiful.

By the way, I wrote another review on Ask And Ye Shall Receive. It will probably be out there on Monday. Have fun reading it and tell me what you think.

It's been half an hour. I think I'm supposed to go upstairs now.

26 comments:

SJ said...

Free snow shovel service and you complain?

GirlGriot said...

I'm with SJ ... but I'd still be standing in the window watching her, thinking she's crazy.

Kristen said...

I loved Obama's "Bolshevik plot" line last night. Not sure what's wrong with your neighbor shoveling snow for you? She does sound crazy though. Maybe that's also a Bolshevik plot?

Kristen said...

Oh, and happy birthday!

People in the Sun said...

No no. You have to understand just how bad this is. First of all, it's not the first time she's shoveled the block today. She shoveled it a few hours ago, while heavy snow was still falling.

Second, when she shoveled during the day, I didn't mind. It's insane, because by the time she moved from one house to another, the sidewalk in front of the first house was already filled with snow. But I didn't care. It's the fact that she's doing it as soon as I put my baby down, in front of his window, that drives me crazy.

Third, last time she shoveled the snow, she did it at 6am on a weekend. Sometimes I wake up at 4am because she vacuums. And considering some of the other people on the block, she's the normal one.

And fourth, don't you know that no matter what someone says on a blog, people always have to agree? It used to be the unwritten rule of blogging, but now it's been written.

(and thanks, Kristen)

(And SJ... I even hinted it was my birthday on Facebook, and still, no Happy Birthday...)

Mark said...

Snow blower at 1:30 a.m. woke me from a sound sleep. And who can learn to ignore such noises? This was better than the ice chipping at 2:00 a.m. The lawn company with a contract on a lot of buildings near me sends out a guy, or a chain gang or whatever, depending on the weather, but never before 1:30 a.m.

And no one who lives in the building says anything. I've been tempted to call the police, but they've got other stuff to do on snowy days besides navigate back to my neighborhood for this. And the best advice anyone can offer is to calm down and learn to ignore this stuff---as if even a yoga mater wouldn't notice it.

So I feel your pain, as I try to get back to that nice quiet place I was before going to sleep a couple or so hours ago.

Ellie said...

Shovelling snow much better than the snowblower ... at least it's better for the environment. Give the crazy lady a break. Maybe she's training for a marathon. (I don't suppose little tots would tolerate ear plugs. :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

We had a neighbour back home who used to paint her bushes. No euphemisms in use there unfortunately.

I couldn't let it go, and it ended up with her painting me.

And the round/odd number thing I absolutely relate to.
30 - co0l, 31 - sucks, 32 - cool again.

Ginny said...

Personally, I like ages that are divisible by 5. I liked 30, the in betweens blew goats, and now that 35 is next week, I'm in a very zen place with it.

Happy bleated birthday!

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Just had to say, I loved the profanity in this post. Loved it. Someday, I hope to have half the command of vulgarity that you have.

Happy Days!

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Almost nothing bothers me as far as noises go when ***I'm*** trying to sleep. I can either sleep or I can't, and outside influences seem to have little to no effect. But I seriously could not STAND any little noise that happened when my babies were asleep! I ****NEEDED**** that forty seven seconds that they slept each night! If I could have imposed silence on the entire city, I would have done so.

Anyway, I hope the post worked. Nervous breakdowns stink. And happy birthday!

Sebastien said...

Happy birthday! Mine is coming up this week as well.

I'm so happy to realize you are a very angry person. It will be easier to get you to join my cause, the cause of randomly trashing the world and crushing peoples' spirits. One needs a lot of anger for these things, hehe...

On a random note, I just discovered this fantastic singer, Bobbie Gentry, superb... you familiar with her?

Sebastien said...

PS. I don't like Alito. He annoys me big time.

People in the Sun said...

Mark, luckily, the police is in my block every other day anyway. The crazy neighbor is the normal one. The neighbors two doors down are heroin addicts and dealers. The fight, call the police, then pack their stuff onto a supermarket shopping cart and move away for a week.

Ellie, she's training for a cuckoo marathon. I really wouldn't have said anything bad if she was officially mentally disabled. I mean, she's a functioning member of a semi-functioning society, with a good job and all. But she also vacuums at 4am and shovels perfect squares outside my boy's window at 6am. Damn, I'm getting angry again.

Xbox, she painted her bushes green so they'd look fresh? Something like that? Or did she paint them some random color? (sorry, colour.) Pretty weird in any case. But why would that bother a neighbor?

Ginny, thanks! And an early Happy Birthday from me! (or is it bad luck to do that? Don't die in the next week, because I'll feel like it was my fault.)

Mrs. B. Roth, you know, my Honey read the post and said people were going to be upset by the C-Word. See, I learned that word while I was living in England, where it's really just another common swear word. When you say it here, though, it becomes something a little different, so maybe my neighbor didn't deserve that... At least until the next time she pisses me off.

Jill, thanks. It did work, but by the time I got back up, Honey was too tired to start watching a movie, so we watched an episode of the Office and she fell asleep in the middle. Because she has a baby inside, who steals her energy. Through Osmosis! I think.

Sebastien, Happy Birthday to you too, then. Aquarius!!! When you come to visit, we'll go downtown, stop next to random people, and say, "You disgust me." Fun! (The name was familiar. I recognized the songs I found through Google Videos. Cool!)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

She painted them a silver grey.

Admit it, it would annoy you.

People in the Sun said...

Xbox, what the hell?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

She was nuts. She painted her bushes silver grey to match the wall on the other side of the garden.

We questioned her about this one day, in the manner only 14 year olds can, and she spattered us with the paint.

Tom Harper said...

Too funny, about your wife nodding off during the SOTU speech. My wife does the same thing sometimes, starts to nod off while we're watching a video, and she won't admit it.

I look over and see that she's asleep, and say "we could watch this some other time." And she always jerks awake with "Huh? No, I'm fine. I'm awake."

Sornie said...

In case you didn't get around to finishing your DVR viewing of the SOTU address, here's the condensed version. Democratic president spoke for 70 minutes. Reached across aisle to bring about unity. Slapped both parties' hands. Republican response vowed to never work with him, disagree with everything Democrats say. Democrats say Earth revolves around sun, Republicans say sun doesn't exist because of abortion being legal.

And if someone shovels your sidewalk, even if they're completely naked, don't complain because it beats doing it yourself.

People in the Sun said...

Xbox, that's crazy. But it's a good story.

Tom, usually she falls asleep at the beginning and I continue watching, and then when I turn the TV off an hour later, she wakes up and says, "I feel asleep a little at the end."

Sornie, thing is, this is all just a political game. They think they can get power back by pulling Obama away from his promises and then closing the door in his face, and the hell with the people. I hope that after SOTU less Independents (who are these people?) buy this crap.

And maybe if she were naked it would have been more fun. Instead, she was wearing a red jacket and looked like a little red ant jumping around with a shovel. See? Now I'm angry again.

LiteralDan said...

While I definitely sympathize with you on this specific situation, I must admit I probably have struck a few neighbors like this while shoveling at odd hours, especially while my wife was pregnant and I wanted to avoid letting ice build up on our sidewalk and driveway.

What can I say? Shoveling is my thing. But I did at least feel guilty about it when I did have to chop ice after 10pm a couple times.

I solved the problem by moving far, far away from people, where I can do whatever I want at whatever time and/or volume I want.

...Unless my wife doesn't want me to. You don't want to see that lady pissed. Plus she makes fun of me.

People in the Sun said...

See, if she did her own sidewalk at 6am or 10pm it would have been a pain, but also okay, because I would have assumed she didn't have any other time to do it or it was necessary for another reason. The problem with the crazy neighbor, though, is that she continued shoveling down the block. I ended up standing at the window, praying, "Please let this house be the last one she shovels," only to see her move on to the next one.

Blues said...

Happy Birthday Peeps.

Yeah, 37 is stupid. 33 is pretty friggin stupid too.

People in the Sun said...

Still, I have a feeling that although it's a round number, 40 will be even stupider.

SJ said...

OK now that I poked you on Facebook and wished you a happy birthday too. Stop sulking and post something already!

People in the Sun said...

Thanks, SJ. I'm trying to just get through the next day or two right now. Eventually, it will be a HILARIOUS post about some douchebag who throws salt on his bald head. But for now I have to wait and see if my ceiling collapses and takes us all with it. Right now the weather report is Snow with a chance of Kill me I'm sick of this shit.

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