This post should have been about my torture device

I wanted to write about my torture device.

This is actually an antique from the Middle-Ages, originally used to remind people who forgot they were Jewish that they were indeed the children of Abraham.

You climb a little step. It's pretty comfortable. A nice handle on each side. Very stable. Look, it's a little cup-holder thingy. And look at all these buttons!

So this post was supposed to be about the torture device I have upstairs, the one that makes my face look like a ripe tomato, makes me cry inside, scares me... The torture device I hate because it reminds me on a nearly-daily basis how I have let myself go.

I mean, there are people who exercise, and there are cool people like me. There are people who put themselves through shit, and there are people who know life's too short. There are "You-can-do-it!" self-delusional yuppie douchebags, and there are those who know life was never meant to be a struggle.

So why do I do it? I don't know. Because it's there. And because the doctor told me I had to do it if I wanted to see my son grow up.

And on Father's Day I sent the boy and his mother away to grandma, and I climbed my torture device, and I pressed some buttons. And I finally reached 5 miles, which was my Father's Day gift to myself.

So I wanted to write about all that, but instead, here's a video for Honey:

I need a vacation from my vacation

Here's the short, inoffensive version. Because. And because I feel better. And because who cares, anyway. And because what's the point? I'll just say one thing: Sometimes I look at myself and see too much fucking average, and it makes me feel stupid and redundant. But then I go back there to the constant stress of aggressive drivers and endless war and constant fear and family guilt and family quarrels, and I look at myself and feel a little proud that I've made it through as a half-functioning human being. I'm not doing that bad after all.

Now on with our story.

David Simon was on our plane to England. And I saw John Waters in Eddy's Supermarket a couple of months ago. Which means I've now seen all of Baltimore's real celebrities.

We went to the London Zoo. Liam, having a good time?


We had a drink in the Dublin Castle, where twelve years earlier we met.

We saw some of the old roommates. It was great. They changed and they haven't changed.

People in England like to make fun of Americans because Americans voted for an idiot who took them to war. English people voted for a smart man who took them to the same war, so I don't know which one's better. And now they voted the Nazis in. And that whole What's-His-Face political scandal is pretty unbelievable. Like this MP who went to church for a memorial service and donated 5 Pounds to the church, and then got reimbursed. It's a funny little Twilight Zone of a place, where they drive on the wrong side and drink tea with milk and everyone reads The Sun and turns to page 3 to see the daily boobies. And the new Heathrow Terminal 5 can kiss my bum.

On the bus from the plane to the terminal (because progress means you take a bus to the gate), there's a sign that says the bus was "Voted best bus of 2007," which makes me feel a little cheated, because it's not 2007 anymore.

Then we flew to Israel.

In Israel, we went to this park with my parents. Daddy, having a good time?


Went shopping a couple of times.

My friends live near Pinnes Street.

Israel: Pressure, stress, stomach viruses, jellyfish stings.

But also sunsets.

And just look at this waterfall. Could have been nice if this country had some water, though. You know, for the waterfalls. Maybe after they invade Iran, now that the Mossad has rigged their elections.

And cable cars.

And pasta.

And great-grandmas.

Here's me going down the mountain. It was a profound experience.


It's not really me, you know.

Saw Jack Black on our way back in Terminal 5. I really should prepare one-liners just in case I meet celebrities.

It's fucking good to be home, I'll tell you that.

(Oh, and here's a picture of the family. As usual, Cadet Mahoney has agreed to stand in for Honey).

(and it's not an optical illusion. My sister does have three arms).