From there, we went to Trader Joe's, where we met a friend and bought organic milk and yogurt. It was very crowded. We also bought cookies. Again, we separated for a while. I wondered around the fruits and vegetables and stared at clementines. Then, just before we left, I ran back to the dairy section to replace the milk with one that expired a week later.
And then we got home and I realized my fly was open the whole day.
The next day I went with the little guy to drop off some dry cleaning, but it was actually a beautiful day, so I thought I should take him to the park, because if I miss the only nice day this winter, then I'm out of the competition for Father of the Year, and it's only February.
So we went to the park, and I put him on a swing, and he was having fun, I guess. He wasn't complaining.
Another father was pushing his baby next to us.
And I started fooling around with the swing--pushing it really high and letting it fall, and then pretending that the baby was kicking me while he was swinging, because why just swing when you can swing and laugh at the same time?
But then I thought, "This father is going to write about me on his stupid blog. He's going to write about the guy who lifted his baby too high, and then taught his baby that it was okay to kick people. And nowadays you can't do anything without some asshole writing about it on his stupid blog!"
And then I got it: I am that asshole!
19 comments:
No you...wait.. yes you are.
Ching Chang Ching !
haha you made me laugh man, but Facebook is worse, its an open book of your life ready for people and the world to read!
dammmit! I've never thought before about the fact that random people in public may have their own blogs and may in fact blog about my jackassery. I'm ruined now.
You have no idea the number of horrible realisations I came to during that....
There's a blog somewhere, written in Dutch, featuring the idiotic carry on of a dumpy Irishman.
SJ, oh, I see you also speak Chinese!
Ali, I'm almost tempted to do the Facebook thing. There's so much the world doesn't know about me yet!
Bluestreak, they're everywhere. And they look just like normal people. But the only reason they interact with you is to be able to document the conversation. A few months ago, in a party or something like that (who knows), I saw a guy with a Blogger t-shirt. At first, I thought I'd talk to him. Find out about his blog and stuff. But I stayed away. For safety.
Xbox, it's worth learning Dutch just to read this blog. Your whole neighborhood writes there. Apparently your socks were mismatched yesterday. What are you trying to prove?
Oh, so that was YOU at Trader Joe's last Sunday :)
I never tell any guy friend when his fly is down.... because then it means I was looking.
An asshole with his todger flapping in the breeze, no less.
I'm ruined too. No doubt I am a horrible Mom with a horrible child who likes to pretend that produce are parts of his anatomy. Sigh...
Now I'm actually paranoid!
Oh I just posted about how it's against the law to stay inside on a beautiful day! So lucky thing you took him out!!!!!!
Also LOOK!!!! I'm following your blog now, whatever that means. But apparently I only follow blogs with my boob.
What is it with flies?
People!!!!! No really, really, will you listen all the way through to "She Left Me for Jesus"? It's on his myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/hayescarll
Because then I think you'll know the difference between Americana & Country forevermore. Maybe.
Tom, sure! Next time come to say hello. I'll be the one with the blue underwear.
Kristen, I never tell a woman friend when her boobs are out for the same reason.
Freeman, that's my middle name!
Aimee, I think it depends on the supermarket. You can't get away with that in Whole Foods, but anything goes in Trader Joe's. After all, they sell salty chocolate chip cookies.
Jill, you know what? I don't know what it means. Is it a popularity contest? But thanks for following me with your boob. It's only fair, because I'm following you with my ball.
Oh, and I will listen (but not tonight. I bookmarked it).
Loz, I know. The hell with the bourgeois and their little rules and their obsession with flies! Women can have a cleavage showing, so I should be able to pull the zipper down in the supermarket! Yes, we can!
Oh well that's because the part I meant to tell you I put in the comment back on MY blog~!!!! :-) :-) :-) I just have my doubts about whether country music would tolerate the kicking Jesus's ass part. I think he'd be strung up like the Dixie Chicks. There are probably more widely recognized or more acceptable differences, but that sort of sums it up well enough for me.
I can't even think of a response to the ball thing that don't come out sounding even more inappropriate than I've already been. Very funny though!!!!!!!!!! :-)
I expect all my friends to tell me if my fly is down, or something is in my nose, you know the drill.
Don't feel bad Pits, one time I went to a very important meeting and did not know I had a..... hole in my pants....'course after everyone goes. ya sure, sure, asshole.
Great blog. Caught you over @ Chris's LN.
Jill, that was cool. I can't figure out if that first comment to the video was real, though:
"This has to be the worst video I have ever seen! Who does he think he is too talk about Jesus like that! The lightening is gonna come down on him and I thank God I don't know this person. Nor would I ever want too. Mr. Hayes,you are being prayed for"
He has my respect now.
And I just couldn't help myself.
Caleb34, holy shit you have a lot of blogs. And there's a great joke with "my fly is down" and "there's something in my nose," but I just can't quite make it. It's there, though, waiting for me. It could be the greatest joke ever told. Oh, Great God of Jokes, inspire me!
Kevin, thanks for coming over. Hope you stick around. And I want you to know you can feel safe here. We won't judge you even if you choose to make holes in the back of your pants.
And I say The Lost News should be more popular.
Playgrounds and school are when I get most of my asshole parent posts. They are a goldmine of blog fodder. Thanks for adding to the pot.
Not Afraid, I don't know if that works with my fake self-deprecating writing. I have to pretend I'm the asshole, even though I know for certain I'm God's gift to the world.
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