A while ago, over at this website, they told me I needed an About Me page. And I guess it's fair enough. Someone getting here by accident needs some context. For example, Google "Eric Cantor douche." (You will currently find me at number 5, just before Wonkette's "Eric Cantor smells of cow dung." Really, for a long time I was number one for that search. For a long time I was also number one for "Glenn Beck naked." I know, pretty cool).
Anyway, I was born in Israel thirty-almost-six years ago.
There was a big war when I was nine months old. A lot of people died protecting the honor of nation who would not negotiate with its Egyptian enemy. Five years later the Egyptian enemy's President, Sadat, stood with the Israeli Prime Minister, Begin, to shake hands and later, to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Three years after that peace treaty, in a parade celebrating the war I witnessed as a nine-month-old, Sadat was shot dead. I was eight and I remember being sad as if a family member died.
So I'm now eight years old.
But it's getting a bit too long already. Let's cut some corners.
I went to school for many years. Nothing much happened there. I did my homework and shit.
Then I finished high school and had two weeks before I was supposed to join the military. So I read the Lord of the Rings books and then I joined the military.
That military thing was bullshit. I was in Golani. I met the biggest dicks in the world and I met selfless people I will live the rest of my life looking up to. But most of the time I carried heavy shit in the service of a false ideology. Hooray!
Three years later, a few months after I left the military, I moved to London. It was just a vacation, but I ended up staying. And I painted my hair purple.
I was there for five years. Working odd jobs, playing bass in a band, drinking. In late August in 1997, I went to Camden Town with the singer to give out some demo tapes. It was gray and nasty and it was the end of summer, and I told the singer that a day that started like that would surely end up bad.
So I met my American Girl that night, and two years later I moved with her to Brooklyn.
This crazy guy found two Pit Bulls tied to trees in Prospect Park, and gave them to our roommate. For some fucked up reason, he couldn't take care of them anymore, so we took over.
Then we got married. Then we moved to Silver Spring. Then to Baltimore.
I'm not a scientist, so I can't say exactly how this works, but one day Honey peed on a stick, and now we have a baby.
That's the short version. But there's so much more. Like introspective stuff about searching for my role and the meaning of it all. And I hate the fucking mall.
The Way The South Was Won (By A Yankee)
My friend Sally hails from a prominent southern family. In her father's Charleston home hangs a portrait of her relative fondly referred to as 'The Major.' ...