A Week Before My Thirty-Fifth, I Want to Make a Few Things Clear:
I can deal with the loss of energy, the loss of opportunities, the memory thing.
I learn to live with an uncooperative body. Like an old, dying car, where ice on the wheels means unresponsive breaks and a scratch on the windshield means a defective ignition switch, my body has become random; a decaying mystery. But I can deal with that.
I see myself through the eyes of my society and learn my social identity is shifting. I learn I no longer belong to one group of consumers but to another; a less demanding one, presumably less inclined to fall for the hidden persuaders of advertising. Passively and apathetically I welcome my new identity.
I can deal with all that. The balding hair, the headaches, the goddamn teeth, the strange spots on the back, the snoring, the heartburn, the allergies, the weight gain...
And I welcome it all, because life is a journey and my body adapts as well as it can, and every day is a new adventure, if not an external one, then at least I can find the beauty of it all through my own private transformation. Because after all, thirty-five is the new something-or-other, and maybe I won't be the President and maybe I won't even be Employee of the Month but I'll never forget my dreams and I'll never stop pursuing them, and I will not let a playful body and a confused mind stand in the path of my dreams. Thirty-five means nothing.
But so help me God, the single curly coming out of my ear is unacceptable!!!
34 comments:
At least it was curly! Then you don't have to use gel or a curling iron or ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-0
SHEESH!!!!!! You're only just almost thirty five! That's like N*O*T*H*I*N*G! That's like the new something-or-other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, as long as you can still shut down the bars...
:-) :-) :-)
Late twenties here and I can't wait for 35. Now that isn't something you read often.
durante vita
Dammit, that's what I have to look forward to at 35. I am stopping right now before I get any closer to 30.
Jill, this time I used scissors. Next time I'll probably try a lighter. Then I'll cut my ear off.
What's a bar?
Durante, life is more peaceful in your mid-30s because you lose the energy to argue.
Sornie, floss daily! Eat well! exercise! Have a lot of sex! You might end up okay.
I've seen these little rotary things that work for both your ears and your nostrils. I think you have to twist them - they aren't battery driven or anything. No blades and reduces the chances of bleeding.
I thought wives or girlfriends were supposed to take care of the ear hairs. I'm surprised you even noticed. Most men have no idea.
Maybe you're not ready for this bit of news but uh, eyebrows can suddenly take wing on a guy. The eyebrows will thin out a bit in the middle and then use all their energy on the remaining hairs. So you end up with 3" eyebrows. Kinda different.
I am a 13 yr old trapped in a 31 year old body.
Dude. Dude. Seriously. 35? You're a freaking KID. I'm 25 and I know you're a freaking KID. You're toooooooo young to be describing yourself as if you're a 75 year old man. It's all about perspective. If you live to be in your 90's (which you most likely will) than you're still an adolescent. Deep breath. Ignore the ear hairs. Everything is cool.
p.s. I'm a secret reader. And I really like your blog. Go you.
I'm seven years older than you and I find a new one about every week or two. And I'm not very hairy at all.
Getting old sucks, no matter how old you are.
yes! you can't ever give up on your dreams. that's the whole point of this life, i think.
loling!!!!!!!
Not to mention that they start to come outta guys noses about then too!!!!!!! UGG!!
Thankfully women age so much more graceful! hehehehe
Hope that baby is great!
Happy bd
when you'll reach your dreams (i don't know yet what are your dreams) your head will be full of meanings and less hairs (in all part of your head) and you'll forgot about these futilities untillthe age of 50 or more.
i know it
narcisse
Yeah, just wait. Nothing knocks perspective into you like "old" on the horizon.
Q., are you serious about the rotary thingy? I'd rather have Sherwood Forest coming out of my ear than have blood coming out of it.
I don't know about the wives/girlfriend thing. Some things you always want to keep to yourself (or to yourself and your blog).
And trust me, I noticed. You see, the principal in my high school had hair in his ears and that pretty much defined him for us. And if it weren't specifically said, at least it was assumed and expected that we would kill ourselves rather than have this embarrassment. I have too much to live for now. Hope I'm not disappointing my high school friends.
And you had to twist the knife by mentioning the eyebrows, didn't you? That's old news, anyway. I use my eyebrows for comb-overs.
SJ, hope I'm invited to your bar-mitzva!
Frosty, hey, thanks. Now, when I was in my mid-twenties I thought mid-30s was old. I never really got over that (I wrote about it here ). But I also think everything is cool. I'm in a good place. Other than the frickin' pubic hair coming out of my frickin' ear.
Ajooja, that's the spirit. Look at all these people thinking it's normal to have random curls sprouting everywhere. They don't know what it's like to have your Honey gently pull one of these, just from curiosity, then scream in horror, "That's attached to your body?"
Crys, hey, what do I know? Monkeys are happy just picking lice and throwing poop. You don't see them complain there aren't enough hours in a day (unless they use poop-throwing as a metaphor for regret. Smart monkeys).
Kate, thanks. An old boss had crazy nose hair. He would talk to me and all I wanted to do was reach out and pull these things. It was so gross. The baby is getting cuter every day.
Narcisse, you're saying my growing brain pushes away the hair? I'll take it. Now, I'm not so sure what my dreams are, either. I want to publish a book and get a lot of people to read it and like it. And I want to buy my mother a tree. And I want to live in a place where no one judges me, even though judging others is one of my favorite activities. And I want to be a better person. And I want drugs to be legal and I want wars to be illegal. And I want the writers strike to end because I love Lost. And I want to live in a farm but I don't want to grow vegetables. I'm confused, therefore I blog.
Christine, you ask an over-eighties person how they are and the best you're going to get is, "You know... Old age... can't complain." At what age do people stop being Happy? Whatever happened to Happy?
Happy Birthday old man. I'm 32 and I feel like I'm just starting. But I don't have any hairs popping out of unacceptable places yet!
(Issues a slow chuckle of recognition.)
Happy Birthday, it gets worse.
Aimeepalooza, it's all good, as long as you ignore your body. On the other hand, a lot of people in their fifties say they've never felt better. But does it mean they feel energetic or that they got used to the ear hair? In any case, tomorrow is treadmill buying day.
BrentD, thank you. With this kind of support I know I'll make it through.
Ear Hair?
I'll be twenty-three in May. I'm hoping they have a cure for ear hair bt the time I reach thirty-five.
Happy Birthday be-early birthday.
Hey so long as the curly is not breathing and multiplying, then I don't see a problem, lol.
Happy Birthday!
Cooper, don't worry about it. Now that I have it, I'll make it a cool thing to have. By the time you're thirty-five, everyone will be having ear-hair implants.
Rolando, I don't know. I'm afraid if I cut one two will come up in its place. If there's no horror movie about ear-hair, there should be one. The ear-hair will be a metaphor for George Bush.
I am turning 49 next month. You are but a spring chicken! I try to walk seevral days a week and play pickleball at the local Y. A perfect sport for an X tennis and pingpong player who is over 35. My kids play it too, in fact we all play together on Sunday monrings.
And man I cannot type today! is that because I am getting old or lazy or both?
Oh no! So you're saying my typing skills will disappear soon, too? All I had going for me were my typing skills!
So finally we got a treadmill yesterday. Not really a family activity, unless you count making fun of me good for family-bonding: "What's daddy doing? Sweating on the big machine. Is daddy being silly?"
I too am embracing my 30's, although I just kicked off the decade in September. I just bought a new car- and it's a Volvo. A sporty 2 door, but a car that a 20 year old would not belong in. I take the thinnig hair over the watered down prostate medication too.
Scot, but look at your picture here, all stylish and happy. I remember being happy when I were thirty, wearing t-shirts over my long sleeves.
Seriously, I'll take anything over that whole pill-a-day deal. I hate having a fever; how am I going to deal with anything more serious?
Dunno if this will come out but here's a link to a trimmer: http://www.amazon.com/Groom-Mate-Silver-Hair-Trimmer/dp/B0001MBRY0/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1201997160&sr=1-10
Freaky!
I recall being grossed out by the ear and nostril hairs coming out of the "old folks" when I was a kid. They were probably only 35!
At least you don't have a Chinese twist to the hair-where-you-least-expect it thing.
For some odd reason (very odd) Chinese men (from "the country") like to allow the hairs growing out of their neck and face moles to grow. My own father (he's from "the country") has a couple of long hairs sprouting out of his neck mole. Eeee! I then met some other Chinese guy - I think he was in his 50-s and he had 5 long hairs sprouting out of his neck! Horizontally! Gray hairs about 5" long splayed out of his neck!
I asked my dad about it and he was very protective. I am not sure but I think he thought they were lucky or something. When Chinese can't explain something it has to do with luck.
Q, it looks like that thing from Total Recall. But anyway, even though I put it out on the blog, I still refuse to accept it, so for now I'm just going to look at my good side in the mirror. It's basically the equivalent of the lazy-man's comb-over: you just put the mirror higher so you never know you're losing your hair.
That's funny about the Chinese. One of the characters in a Kung Fu movie I saw had a hairy mole but the main guy made fun of him. But that could be because it was probably made in Hong Kong, and maybe they were making fun of rural Chinese men? Never thought about that.
Hi People in the Sun. I really like your blog. You are always insightful and have a great knack of exuding such optimism (or at least making me feel things are alright) even when you are being cynical. genius. I hope you, B, L, B, and G are well. And happy b-day. I always thought we were the same age though. hmmm.
Well well well, Mr. Dorje, we meet again.
I'm older than you? Wait, who the fuck are you?
Everyone is good. Liam got his shots and he cried like a little boy (as opposed to crying like a baby, you know? Cried because he was in pain, not because he was uncomfortable). He then had a fever for a day. It was horrible. Everyone else is good. To my knowledge.
LOL For me it is chin whiskers. I pluck them as soon as I can feel them. Yet I've had a very faint mustache for as long as I can remember and never tried to pluck or wax any of those. I think I worried they would grow in again and not be baby fine hair then. No one can even see the chin whiskers but me yet I still get rid of those.
Laura, nothing wrong with the faint ones. It's the crazy-fireman-on-his-day-off mustaches I don't get. I knew someone who was looking for a job, and was dressed in a nice professional suit every time, but never got past the interview. She had a full circus beard, see, and I never told her that might have had something to do with it.
Okay, here it is. Ask wife for tweezers. Try aimlessly to extract by yourself. After a few blood drippings onto your shirt, said wife will have pity and pluck it for you. Next will be the white hairs within the unruly eyebrows.
Nice, sexy evening, huh?
Mickie, no, no. Wife must never know about ear hair. She will not have pity. Scorn, maybe. Or maybe self-pity for marrying a guy with ear hair.
Ahhh. Here is where Husband (all husbands, ask Eliot S.) is mistaken.
Wife ALREADY knows about ear hair. Wife always notices before husband.
It just hasn't reached Red Alert yet. So she watches silently. Waiting for the day when, Bammm! she yanks that sucker out with bare fingers!
Wife wouldn't be here another second if she knew about ear hair. She may pluck random shoulder curlys and make fun of me for overgrown eyebrows, but I know my Honey. The day she says the ear hair is the day she puts her profile up on match.com.
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