A Post About Nothing
I write about once a week. Which is good. It makes me feel this is more than a blog; it's a literary magazine (with only one subject: me). When I write, I try to avoid subjects other people can't relate to. I write about my relationship with my father, and readers can find their own strained relationships there. I write about my wish to be a good father, and you can find your own doomed wishes, or laugh with scorn or with love because I'm bound to make mistakes throughout this parenthood thing. Just like everyone else. And I can talk about the book I'll write one day and the need to escape mediocrity and you can smile and say to yourself, "Wouldn't that be grand? To be somebody? Or maybe as long as we strive for that greatness we keep ourselves alive," and look, I've made you think and reflect about your own life. Which is what I'm trying to do here even though I am indeed using only one subject. Me as a metaphor.
But sometime... Sometimes I look at blogs of people who write every day and have nothing to say. Pages and pages of literary masturbation (Welcome, Google Perverts). And I'm so goddamn jealous.
So here:
I went to the dentist. It hurts like... what's a good swear word? Shit. It hurts like shit. He has two rooms. One has a peeling wallpaper with "Floss Daily" written everywhere, and the other room has this fun drawing that for a brief moment makes me forget this shit is torture. I should floss more often.
I'm sick. No big deal.
I got into Cribbage lately.
Hollywood Writers, no one cares about you. Now you know.
Saw this billboard. Gotta love Baltimore. Sometimes.
Got me a webcam. It's easy to say, "Mom, I didn't move to the other side of the world just so you could see me every day," but I couldn't say much to her "I want my grandson to know he has a grandmother in Israel." So I got a webcam and I got Skype, and now my computer is slow, and waiting for pages to load makes me want to strangle a puppy. It reminds me of a word people used in the last millennium: modem. Remember these things?
Ahhh, man it feels good to let it all out. You know what? I said it wasn't a big deal but I hate being sick, and between the dying computer and the lack of good night sleep and the dog who hurt her thigh, and the running nose, and couldn't they make a visit to the dentist less painful, and Please God: make me strong enough to ignore American Idol, and Has it been six weeks already? and watching those idiot Republicans on TV, and watching CNN in general, and the goddamn sinuses--I'm allowed, every once in a while, to write a goddamn post about goddamn nothing!
This guy is so cute.
31 comments:
Yeahhh that talk about strangulaotion makes me want to literally masturbate. (More perverts to you.)
Well it's coz I was starting to post about nothing more often that I've stopped blogging... maybe when the muse returns so shall I.
That little guy alone should make you
feel better.
Mental masturbation, takes away the tension.
I check your literary journal weekly at least, so keep it coming.
Having nothing to say is what blogging is all about.
That guy is ALL KINDS OF CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, sounds like you've been through the wringer lately...or being pecked to death by chickens. :-(
Oh and I forgot to ask...what if you post like me, only once a week but still about nothing? Well ok, this time it was about my son's brains falling out, but usually it's about nothing. Or kids. Or beer.
I love this post!!!!! I must like literary masturbation huh? I like reading the day to day stuff.
That guy really is sooooooooo cute!!
Hope you get more sleep and less pain:)
I just learned how to play cribbage this past year and it took me a while to catch on but now I love it!
I can't write blog posts every single day like some people. I want my posts to be potent and meaningful and....a small event of sorts. To update each day may make some people take me for granted.
I'm sick to. Bad cough. they have me on a steroid called prednisone. Seems to be be working but it could work better.
Nice webcam.
I write when I feel like it. And I think that the little bits of nothing that string together make up a life. My life. Ya wanna look? Come on by. Ya don't? Fine by me. I don't have to be deep & meaningful all the damn time, do I? Naaah.
I mentally masturbate all the time. Keeps my well from running dry. The less I write the less I can write, Little man is adorable and perfect.
The only pain worse than a visit to a dentist is when you get the bill from said dentist!
I love a good post about nothing. I feel the same way, though. I always think it's OK for everyone else but not for me.
Of course, when I get around to writing about nothing, I really haul off and write about nothing. Less than nothing. :)
Well this doesn't god damn count because you still posted one god damn week after your last god damn post.
Dentistry does god dam suck.
A.I. auditions are the best god damn part, I watch them every god damn year and then abandon the show after they're god damn over.
I god damn love masturbation.
God damn!
SJ, man, the stuff I get from this post, and the one before it will make you lose your faith in humanity. Apparently, a lot of people are looking for double penis pictures. I didn't know it existed either.
Sorry to hear you stopped blogging. It's been a bit crazy here lately so I didn't have as much time as I wanted to read my favorite blogs. And just in case, know that even if you had the occasional post about nothing you write in an incredibly smart and unique way. Even if you don't come back to blogging, I hope the experience made you want to continue writing.
Cooper, he always does. Even though (or because) the boppy is his favorite place to poop. And thanks for reading and commenting.
Dan, yes, but maybe that's part of the charm of blogging: millions of people have nothing to say, and apparently there are millions of ways of saying nothing. Something comes from nothing. Like the song by Super Furry Animals.
Jill, that's how my uncle died.
He is cuter than all other babies, right? When can I send him to be a child star already?
And of course I always write about nothing anyway. I just like being condescending for no reason every once in a while. See, I had this picture of my dentist's wall and I just couldn't see where I could put it, and I thought, How great would it be if I had one of these blogs that puts up a picture of a dentist's wall whenever and for no reason? As if I'm so meaningful the rest of the time. I was just being a dick. I'm allowed--it's my birthday month.
Mel, I like the stuff too. It's all about the writing, I think. Some people can describe patterns in the movement of house-flies and still make it a fascinating read, you know? And some people can write beautiful, poetic, potentially life-altering essays and I wouldn't be able to read one line.
I think it's more about finally getting a routine back and some balance in my life then it is about sleep. Although I am tired most of the time. But in a good way. It's cool that you like Cribbage. Cribbage is the new Backgammon.
Ricardo, sounds like you're worst off than me. I'm more uncomfortable than sick, to be honest. That webcam looks like it's going to be fun. Had a two minute conversation with my parents. They're happy to see their grandson. I did a good thing, somehow.
Christine, you're right, you're right. And I was just being silly. When I feel like, I write in one way, and when I feel like putting a picture of "Marriage Sucks," I should do that. It just shows I'm a complicated human being! Damn, I'm so pretentious.
Aimeepalooza, "The less I write the less I can write"--I like it.
David, look at that, a post about nothing and I got so many truisms in the comments. I just hope that with what I ended up paying he could pay someone to glue some of that wallpaper. I think it would hurt my teeth less if the wallpaper didn't peel.
Ajooja, you see, I'm like you. I like it when you do the Friday Bulletins. I'm Being too hard on myself.
Woozie, you know what? Screw it. The auditions are frickin' funny! It's the later part, when they start taking themselves seriously that's annoying and Satanic.
God damn Hillary.
Much comment about nothing. You're doing something right! :-)
You never know what attracts someone, even in a nothing post.
I always wanted to learn cribbage.
Turn away from the American Idol...
See, it's posts like this that I like to read. They make me laugh and really, it joins us all in the plain old mediocrity of life. (NOT that I think you are mediocre. Never mind.)
The baby, he is lovable, huggable, squeezable!
I choose to ignore your idiot republicans remark and I will henceforth not spew democrat hatred around here or on my blog. I hate politics, anyway.
Um, yeah, hi from a random person who reads you often through the battle of the blogs!
Now I didn't take that as literary masturbation. It was random but entertaining. You painted a word-fille dpicture about the dentist office and I can relate to the lack of flossing. I think my dentist finally threw in the towel on relentlessly harping on my lack of flossing.
Rudy, all of these people are just me commenting with different names. I like to pretend I'm semi-popular.
Neil, I guess I had enough here to pull a lot of different people: Cribbage fans, billboard-mutilation fans, writers-haters (sorry), baby lovers, and dentists. And people who love a good toothpick action in a webcam photo (and who doesn't?). Cribbage is easy (at least at the level I play. When I start calculating odds it'll become less fun).
Fab., but the weird people make me feel superior!
Angie, thanks. It's funny that you commented for the first time on this post. Actually, I think there were 3 more people who commented here for the first time. Just to punish all of you, I need to find something really mundane for the next post. The bag stuck on the tree in the backyard? It's not such a bad idea, really. These things are annoying and charming at the same time. And if the bag annoys me for months, I feel a little sad when I go outside one day and it's moved on.
And as for the Republicans, I kind of hinted at my intentions when I wrote "idiot Republicans on TV and watching CNN in general," but I should have been more accurate about my intentions. I was watching CNN earlier that day and saw a few of the Presidential candidates, who might be great, honorable people in real life, but when they find themselves forced to talk to a so-called "base" they try to out-evil each other when it comes to immigration. I don't see Republicans in general as idiots and I do believe that even someone as disingenuous as Thompson will be better than Bush. It's racist, xenophobic speeches I have a problem with. I'm not sure I redeemed myself with this clarification, but if I offended you, I apologize.
Sornie, he put a temporary crown and told me that until I get the real one I shouldn't floss. And I was so happy... What's wrong with me? With us? Is there a flossing-related childhood trauma we're blocking?
Hi its Spooky, I'm back check out my new blog!
http://spondoolies.blogspot.com/
Now you're beginning to sound like an anti-dentite... ;-)
Spooooooookyyyyyyyy!!!
Cube, he's actually a really nice guy. I feel sorry for the guy who has to look at my teeth. Maybe he loves my teeth unconditionally. A love of a dentist is the greatest love of all.
a literary magazine.
why didn't i think of that line
Love that little one. I don't blog everyday, and recently I blog like every 2 weeks. I am surprised anyone bothers to visit. I just don't know what to say.
I have a webcam too. It scares me.
Crys, feel free to steal it! I won't tell.
Enemy, that webcam... on one hand I feel there's a lot of potential to do great things here, but on the other hand the camera thing stares at me all day and all I want to do is make a sexy video with a lot of butt jiggling and post in on You Tube. I don't have a lot of imagination.
I meant to comment on this one a while back, but apparently turning 30 messed with my brain (thanks for the b'day wishes by the way). I just have to say that an occasional 'nothing post' is great and they can get big reactions too...one sentence can spur the thoughts of someone else and they'll go write a long entry about it. Oh, and at times, they really help my family and friends to know I am alive and still functioning. Oh, I agree with all the others, the baby is cute. And happy birthday to you.
Thanks, Sarah. You're right. I actually thought about this post today when I went back to the dentist and saw that same view. And I thought about it yesterday, too, when I talked to my parents on the webcam and they asked me if I put all the books behind me so people would think I was intelligent. I don't get to think about that billboard too often. That's a good sign, right?
I'm the latest girl ever - but January was INSANE. I'm getting back to surfing now and have to say this post was too funny. I hate those nothing to say posts. Except of course, this one. Plus, how cute is that baby! We had a Boppy like that, they really help, with everything.
Jennifer, look at all the comments; people can relate to nothing! This type of writing can become addictive, though. Now all I want is to write about the bag stuck on the tree.
You know what? I will write about that bag!
And as for the little guy--that's nothing. The back of this... this... how do you call this thing he's wearing? Anyway, there's a cute doggie on the back.
Hi there. I can get past everything you mentioned even the strangling a puppy comment but...slow loading pages??!! Now that's all kind of mental anguish. I'm thinking of moving my desk to the middle of the room so I can get up and jog around it as pages load otherwise my head will blow!
Styleswag, hi there yourself. I've finally put extra memory and now it's like the terminator at the end of the second movie, when you think he's dead but actually he has extra power capacity emergency thingy button. I just love that part of the movie, and I've been meaning to mention that somewhere. It's almost as contrived as them finding a plane and she says "I know how to fly a plane. My uncle was a pilot," in the third Terminator movie. I'm sorry, I like these movies. I'm not perfect, you know.
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