Doubts of a Future Father Concerning the Raising of a First Child, or How to Pack Your Picnic Packpack
I can’t cook. I’m tired. I don’t know how to hold a baby. Don’t know how to change diapers. Teach it Hebrew? Will it have a Baltimore accent? Raise it Jewish? What if it’s sick? What if I drop it? What if it’s stupid? How is it going to change me? What if Honey never feels better? What if she resents me? What if it ruins her career? Will we really have to do all this camping stuff? Private or public school? Stay in Baltimore City? I don’t mind going to see children’s movies, and I definitely don’t mind going to the zoo, but I can’t listen to bad children’s music. I’ll never have time to write. Never have time to discover new music. Never have time to relax. To think.
But hopefully, as you can see from Jr.'s results below, my troubles will be over at a certain point. Early retirement, Beverly Hills, here I come!
And just one more thing Before I go away for a week: Did some basement organizing last week. We need to throw away a lot of stuff that’s never left the basement to make room for new stuff that will never leave the basement. Found this unopened wedding present, a picnic packpack, complete with instructions. See you in a week.
26 comments:
"what if it's stupid"...stupidity isn't genetic just saying.
A week???? Do you ever think of us readers?
Have a nice time!
What does the Baltimore accent sound like? Remind me.
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! NEVER EVER EVER listen to lousy children's music EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is WAY too much GOOD QUALITY children's music out there these days to ever waste a moment on the likes of Barney...I think I have a half way started blog post about it somewhere with recommendations from the preschool teacher. :-) :-) :-)
I like camping, so I can't really help you there & being a Jewish religious school teacher, I'm going to have to go with "yes" on the raising Jewish thing since it's up to me and all... :-) :-) :-)
believe me, you are going to adore every second of it, with the changing of diapers, and the lack of sleep, and the slightly changes in your holidays and music preferences (the Teletubbies you like already as i recall, and Barney does seams more appealing when it byes you some moments of peace and quiet...and some quality time with your laptop and the people in the sun). the happiness is so vibrant, if you remember that everything is just fine. and you are what you are, and they are what they are, which is not necessarily the same, or what you'd like them to be, and you give what you can, and that's so much.remember of course to leave aside some extra pounds for their weekly sessions with the local shrink and you'll be more than ok.
Oh, and something else- being a Sagittarius myself, and my husband, i assure you he'll be great, but you do need to prepare yourself for long camping trips. I'm not sure about the packaging though, since we Saggis don't appreciate so much all that fine order stuff. and have a look at the link i sent you (sorry, it's in Hebrew)
http://www.notes.co.il/yonat/archive.asp?cat=153
about packaging light for children and more. and the quote she wrote there by Ursula le guin is nice, but i couldn't find a way to translate it here.
I had similar thoughts. All I can say is don't worry. Everything works itself out. Once he is here, something clicks inside of you, and you become SuperDad. Trust me on this.
SJ, thank you for the kind wo-- wait a second!!!
Durante, I don't think you'll get that from watching The Wire or from John Travolta in Hairspray. Basically, imagine the letter O being three-syllabals long.
Jill, yes, there's a lot of filtering I'll need to do (I mean, we). I listened to some great children's songs when I was a kid. I can do that.
I probably would have liked camping if there weren't so many tiny animals around, all trying to get into my butt. Sorry, that's what I think about when I'm outdoors.
Jeronimo, thanks for saying that. How hard can it be, after raising Buddy and Ginger, right? And if you want to see good use of a backpack (or a purse, or a packpack), look at Jill's site.
Dave, Does the Superdad thing come with the ability to name the little guy? But thanks for saying that. I know I'll be good. Some things will come naturally (how to hold him and change him), and some things I'll have to learn (how to instill guilt).
A picnic packpack? Don't they already have those things, I think they're called backpacks.
I love how the Taiwanese proofreaders (oximoran, I know) allowed Packpack instead of Backpack.
As for the kid, there is absolutely no reason to listen to "The Wheels on The Bus" 18 times in a row. F-it. If you like Led Zeplin, the kid will listen to Led Zeplin. I grew up on Abba, Air Supply and Kenny Rodgers played on a consule record player (with the occational Chipmunk and Sesame Street album played ONCE).
Woozie, there's a big difference. A picnic backpack doesn't include a chess cutter.
Scot, that's where I'm going right now. People at work talk about all the stupid songs they had to hear again and again, but I think I'll just progress from crappy late Pink Floyd to their early stuff and from poppy early Beach Boys to "Smile." I think I'm on to something here. If he's not an existentialist by the time he's six, I have failed.
You will be fine.. more than fine I am sure. You will be great! Definitely teach your child Hebrew. I believe in teaching your child a 2nd language. Mine will learn Korean. Yours will learn Hebrew. :D Even if you can't do the laundry properly; You will be a wonderful father. La'haim...
God I hope it doesn't have a Baltimore accent.
My mother is a painter, she used to plop us down and paint while we painted. She used to read to us from regular old adult novels as she was reading.
My father used to rock me to sleep to the tune of "Four and Twenty" by Crosby Stills, Nash and Young and "Golden Slumbers" by the Beatles.
It's what he new.
They were really about my brother being stupid, but not about me being stupid. They could tell immediately I was brilliant.
Have a great week away.
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
Golden slumbers fill your eyes
Smiles awake you when you rise
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
Wait till they start talking. You will fall in love all over again. And again. And again. Enjoy your week :)
I think all of these concerns are natural and I think it's part of the whole process. I think you'll do fine. No one is born knowing this stuff. And I'll tell you this, better you being a dad than me. You want to see problems? Tell yourself it could always be worse, I could have the fatherly instincts of Ricardo. Which are NONE!
Just wait till the first night you bring the baby home, you'll be a gibbering wreck. After that you gradually become desensitized to puke, shit and baby-food. May the force be with you.
Add "never completing whole sentences" to your list.
But no matter. Arm yourself with _The Foot Book_, _Fox in Sox_, and _One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish_ all by Dr. Suess, and all will be well.
Parenting is not that hard if you have a sense of humor and irony -- which you obviously do. Just chill and laugh; that's best. Roll with it. I keep waiting for the real bad or hard stuff but Cedar's just always the best. You'll think that about your little too.
By the way when I was a kid I had a book about two kids that go on a picnic and I swear that's the picnic basket they had (sans wine glasses). I always wanted one sooooo bad because it was in that book. Thus I say lucky find!
If you're going on holiday for a week I hope it's the best. If it's a business trip or something; still have a stellar time :)
It will be fine. Don't worry. You will all be fine.
Oh, that is brilliant. I wish I could have done that with my ultrasounds.
You are a rock and roll dad.
Don't sweat the small stuff. That Baltimore accent is the pits (luckily I grew out of mine and my kids don't have it either). As for Hebrew, that's what Hebrew school is for, let them teach the young ones, that's what we're doing! Being a dad will change you but for the better. Stay calm cause they can smell fear!
Nice Blog!!..
Will come back to read in detail...
Keep up the good work man!
Have a good week!
LOL You worry alot. I am sure you are gonna be a great dad!
Asian, thanks for saying that. Apparently, you also can't mix jeans with cotton. How am I supposed to teach anyone anything if I don't know basic laundry principals (BLPs)? And chuka haeyo.
Cooper, I remember the first time I heard "Golden Slumbers." I think I must have been seventeen or eighteen. I remember thinking how could I have lived without hearing this song before? And now Paul McCartney does Apple commercials. Where are all the heroes? By the way, is that simple irony or a part of the settlement between Apple Records and Apple Inc.? I wonder.
When I was a kid my mother used to play disco and French songs and the three of us--my mom, sister, and I--used to dance. I think I was a better dancer then.
Kali, I'm still waiting for Buddy and Ginger to start talking. Pretty crazy, this whole thing, isn't it? Something comes out of a belly, then it starts talking, and then it hates you.
Ricardo, better me than you impregnating my wife, I know that. But sooner or later it might happen to you ("happen" may have negative connotations. Didn't mean it that way), and I'm sure you'll do fine. You just change diapers a few times, teach him that whole right-from-wrong thing, and that's about it.
Spooky, if he can't use a toilet like a civilized person, then the hospital can keep him. I have no patience for barbarians.
MS, can't I go straight to Captain Underpants?
Jennifer, thanks. It was fun (Honey's family reunion), but it's great to be back home and sit by the computer with music and peppermint tea.
One day we'll use that packpack. It does look like fun (if only it had some kind of ant and rain repellents).
Shelli, thank you for saying that.
Enemy, wow, thanks. I didn't really have a choice, though. Part of my contract dictates I put up a picture of Steve Gutenberg every three months. We have the same agent.
J, I was working as a security guard for an Israeli/Hebrew school in London, and I have some problems with the politics of these places, but I'll (I mean, we'll) do the research. Congratulations on your new blog and on your cute family, by the way.
Paradox, thank you. Welcome. And happy birthday.
Mel, thanks. And thanks again, everyone.
BAAaahahahaaaa.....the celebrity lookalike thing has me rolling....
i nearly peed my pants reading this.
um. for the record. my mom dropped me on my head and i'm clearly okay.
right?
right?
shit, i'm not. you probably shouldn't drop your kid. at least, not on his or her head...
Leisel, I'm still upset I didn't get Don Johnson there.
Wishful, it's never too late for a lawsuit. Do you have brothers or sisters? Maybe we're talking class-action here?
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