My New Job IV
I meet the people who will die soon from overdose, or from a bullet to the back of the head, or from AIDS, or quietly in jail. They fall asleep while they talk to me because they just don’t give a damn. Society gave up on them a long time ago and they gave up on themselves even sooner. They laugh when I ask for their fathers’ names but at the same time they have six children they’ve never met and never will.
And legalizing all drugs will solve some of the problems. Addicts will not spend their lives in jail but will be treated and some will come out and see life for what it could be, the way they saw life when they were children rather than as something they need to endure between highs. And the drug dealers will be forced to find something else to do. And the police won’t spend all its resources staring at street corners but will actually work to make the streets safer from violent crime… I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I love this city; don’t get me wrong, but going back to work after a two-day weekened takes away the illusion. Here I am with my unborn child and my Honey and my doggies and my house and my mortgage and should we take the carpet out in the guest room and what do I do about the poison ivy in the backyard and the drycleaner messed up the clothes again and Comcast costumer service department sucks. And here is a generation of people who won't live to see forty.
There’s an all-encompassing truth hidden there for me. Between all the filth and the fury there’s something begging to be understood. Maybe it’ll make me get out of my shell and devote my free time to volunteer work or to spread the message of drug-law reform or prison reform or public education reform. Maybe it’ll make me see the unity of the human race in its collective pain and beauty.
Or maybe I’ll eventually get a new job and forget about it all.
29 comments:
Legalizing at least the common drugs should help...
Tragic irony in that calling her own baby a motherfucker.
I do not think that I could cope with the type job you have. I just could not take that type of suffering and miseries of people go through.
I think, you know that's hard to forget & not necessarily desirable.
The job on the other hand, you can take what you can take and still manage to do good, do the best you can for as long as you can & hope to know when that time has passed. I don't know what job you do, but it does sound like it could consume you.
Someone I know is looking to get a job as a parole/probation officer, I wonder what she'll bear witness to. She's a tough girl, I hope she can get through it.
Parole officer - I bet that is a tough one. Teaching you see all the heartbreak but at least you get a some chance to help kids learn to cope & at least see their little triumphs and now and then some bigger successes.
I bet it's a lot harder once you're mainly dealing in the ways people have already screwed up. Though I imagine parole officers get to share in some lives turned for the better every now & again. Maybe?
If the only "crime" a person has committed, then their is no reason to put them in jail, in my opinion. Jail would only make their life worse. I am all for drugs to be legalized, like alcohol and cigarettes.
It's all so sad and the magnitude of the situation is overwhelming, even for me and I don't have but to think about it.
Social work is hard. I used to be a social worker before I went to writing full-time. I've worked with all populations but my favorite was homeless youth. I had to take a break when my first favorite client ever was murdered. That was topping two other homeless kid deaths that year. It almost ruined me. I went on to easier social work, then easier, and now volunteering sometimes and writing FT.
I haven't worked with homeless kids for years now because the loss in that population is unbearable. But I miss the strength of the collective population as well, and I remember all their faces -- even if you move on you won't forget. I doubt ever.
It's good what you're doing. Just hard.
SJ, can you imagine? What if that's this baby's first memory? His mother holding his leg with one arm, calling him a motherfucker... It's a crazy world. At least a crazy city.
Let's, I suppose I go there thinking we all do what we want to do. The problem may be that for so many people there are really no options (at least none they know of). But other than that... you feel sorry for some people and you feel sorry for other people's victims, and then you go home.
Jill, thanks for the warning. You're right, I know. But I do believe I still have so much to learn. And I don't know where that place will lead me mentally or spiritually or physically but... to be honest, in the end my reason for leaving probably won't be the insanity of truth but the level of incompetence you get from working for the state.
Woozie, I think I can stand to do what I do because there's nothing objectionable about my job, nothing against my principals (although they change according to my needs). On the other hand, a p&p officer violates people who test positive for any drugs, people who fail to go to work for McDonald's even though they can get much more money if they work under the table, people who miss appointments due to emergencies, and so on. There might be, at least for me, just too many contradictions between the way I believe society is supposed to treat its people and they way things actually work. We're in this insane war where a few people make billions of blood Dollars, yet we'll put a guy in jail for stealing soap, you know?
Jill, I think you're right again there, and unfortunately I don't see the good side; I only see those who violate their parole or probation and are about to go to jail. But, you know, it's a job. Someone will have to be a p&p officer, so it might as well be the compassionate person Woozie talks about.
Chaosgone, I believe legalizing all drugs will not just keep sick people out of jail, but will also reduce violent crime. It makes sense to me. But maybe I'm missing something.
Cooper, I don't know. I didn't think about it before and I probably won't think about it the day after I leave. It's scary to think that will happen, but it might. How much control do people have in the things they choose to care about? Would I get more involved in my community or will we decide as a couple we can't raise a child in this city and get the hell out before this city becomes this movie?
Jennifer, thanks. I don't work in social service, though. I don't think I've ever done anything substantial for anyone, really (other than saving the doggies from going to a shelter). No... I just do some kind of intake job where I try to find the line--for my sake--between arrogantly feeling sorry for people and retaining my compassion for every person I see. But what you talk about is admirable. We all do what we can. Right now, though, I do nothing. I write about it, maybe that's something.
"in the end my reason for leaving probably won't be the insanity of truth but the level of incompetence you get from working for the state."
Exactly, ****exactly***** how it was for me. One year one of the most *solid* & best behaved girls in my whole class had seen her pregnant aunt murdered.
I had a boy who brought real looking counterfeit hundred dollar bills to school & who I had to watch continuously because he had already been kidnapped by his father once.
I had a girl who was being raised by her sister bec. her father was dead & mother declared unfit who was brilliant but who would *throw* standardized tests just because she felt like it.
I had a boy who bit me & whose grandmother said I lied about it, a girl who told me that she was the devil whose mother sat on her to keep her from running away from home, and then all your more regular problems...(one who rarely came to school, two as yet unidentified special education, etc.)
And that was all one class of six and seven year olds...
STILL, the kids I adored. Well, I wasn't so crazy about being bitten actually... I think it was working for the state that did me in - all those rules that are about money and not the kids, all those times they require you to break the law because it against the laws of physics (does time management fall under physics?) to follow them, the federal grants designed to produce excess paperwork to the detriment of actual teaching...that kind of thing.
The problem with your line of work is the high burn out rate. I went through some of this when I taught public school. My principal told me in my second year that I was a prime candidate for burn out and she was right. Things just start eating at your soul; you stop caring yet you hate yourself for stopping. It just sucks. And I had to break up a knife fight between two mothers; one was in a gang and decided to kill the other because she didn't like how her daughter was treating her child. I wouldn't have believed it if I had not been there. The world is so fucked up.
Jill, yep. Much of my work is learning to go around the official rules while covering my butt. By the way, I hope you liked that picture. It's actually the sign for the restroom in the building where you get your state ID. How symbolic is that?
I can't imagine being a teacher who has to follow the No Child Left Behind regulations while ignoring the children's real needs. And as for the excess paperwork--does Cheney own a paper company? Why so much wasted paper in every public job? And on a similar note, why do I have to write today's date in three different places when I make a report?
Enemy, apparently everyone there was sure I wouldn't last a week. After all, some people leave after a day. I don't know if it's the borderline autism I mentioned earlier or the understanding that people make their own conscious choices in life (even if we admit an inherent lack of opportunities in poor neighborhoods we can't justify violence), that allows me to go there without saying, "The horror, the horror" on my way back home.
By the way, I apologize if it looks like I contradict myself. I don't have any answers and I often don't even know myself well enough to have coherent opinions. It might be a good thing. I did say I was confused and all.
That was the most real train-of-thought post I've read in a while. My girlfriend works with kids who have 'flunked out' (so to speak) of the foster system. These are the kids that are so abused and troubled not even professionally-trained ersatz-parents can deal with them. This is tough work to be sure. Drug legalization (yay Seattle for passing a law basically legalizing pot!) is one step in the right direction. Another would be: not wasting so damned much money fighting endless 'wars' overseas. I just wrote a post about taking care of the homeless, and one of the first responses on a social network comment was: we'll be able to do better once we stop wasting all of our money in Iraq. I couldn't agree more.
Wow that was a mouth full! First of all the motherfucker comment about her own baby - just sickening!
Legalization of drugs will never happen unless the USA can find a way to tax them.
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Even though you have proclaimed that I have no soul for disliking Chutes and Ladders, I still love your writing. It is wonderful. Also, I agree on LIFE now...that game IS truly a misguided piece of work...you win only by 'collecting' parts of the typical 'American Dream.' Oh, and I am starting a job next week where I assist people coming out of jail with prosocial re-entry into society through community programs...I have been doing this stuff for seven years in hopes that others won't 'give up on society' either.
WHAT?!? I have no soul?!?!
Oh yeah, I fully appreciated that sign. :-)
Urbanist, there are institutions that help homeless people but of course they are private (and often religious) charities. On the other hand, it's like our government can only destroy while people here and there die from preventable causes for no reason. And if that weren't enough, now we see the collapse of our infrastructure. Is there anything good done with our taxes?
Karl, you're right there on the first two points. But to be honest I don't even remember why I wrote about Comcast. Everything works fine now. Maybe I'm still angry for not getting the job there?
Sarah and Jill, are you trying to say a preference for, or a dislike of a particular game does not necessarily indicate a presence or a lack of a soul? Inconceivable!
And Sarah, that's great. Must be such a hard work, though. How could anyone convince a person that working in construction ten hours a day is better than a heavenly 7-minute crack high? If only they can see re-entry opens up opportunities instead of limiting their options. I mean, how many of these people have never even left their neighborhoods?
It must be an amazing feeling to see people you helped doing well or at least slowly stop hurting everyone around them.
No sir I know inspiration and you are not one. *sniff*
My soul has trouble sitting still long enough for games like that, but does okay with games like Cranium or Pictionary...Apples to Apples is not bad.
Don't give up....you're doing good work.
I witness these stories on a daily basis as well and I really couldn't tell you what the "answer" might be. My sister is a therapist and no amount of help available means that those who would benefit will take it....so...sigh...I really don't know either.
I just moved out of the city. I now live in the middle of no where with a bunch of dogs. I don't have to listen to police sirens or big drunken parties.
I can barely handle my own life, so I can't really say much about the real world. I'm just going to chill in the outskirts till my time comes.
SJ, don't say that. Actually, if you take every seventh letter in this post you'll get a very interesting and inspiring result. Oh, no, actually that's the Bible. I always get confused.
Jill, I've never heard of Cranium. It looks really fun. For a while there were a lot of Trivial Pursuits going on here. It got a little out of hand, though. People tend to go a bit nutty when it comes to trivial knowledge.
Leisel, thanks for that. I'm trying. I'm trying not to be judgmental and I'm trying to do my job without others' behavior toward me affecting what I can do to help them (and sometimes I have to ignore the fact they were nice people and do stuff that would hurt them because that's my job, and I try not to take that personally as well). Some days are easier than others. It's amazing how for some people doing the right thing comes so easily.
Rae, for two years I lived in Suburbia. Hated every minute. I think I love the city; any city--the crazier the better. Well, not really. I hated New York by the time we moved out. And I've never lived in the middle of nowhere so I don't know--maybe I would like that? But doesn't it scare you? Don't you think sometimes, "Maybe we're dead and we can't tell and there's no one around to let us know?" But I guess the dogs would know. What I mean is, I'm afraid of leaving the city and becoming insignificant.
Cranium rocks hard core -- that's really all I had to say. Plus, I'm happy to see my sis over here. Ah, it's like a great big blogging family. Nice. And get Cranium. Today.
I do volunteer work with Big Brothers/Sisters and it gives you hope. One of those six kids that man may never meet may be the child that you (yes you) help to see that there is a whole wide world out there for him to explore, live, be a productive citizen. Drugs/poverty - it's a vicious cycle that can be broken by people who care. Keep at it.
You think your blog is the bible? Who do you think you are? Constantine?
Jennifer, I'm honored to host the family reunion. For now, though, Cranium will have to wait. I work at different hours and days than Honey, and we don't really have time to do anything other than catch up on Netflix while I scratch her back. There will be days for games soon. I can't wait to teach Jr. how to play Resident Evil IV.
Maritza, thank you for these words. My first paragraph may have misled you. I don't do social work and I don't really have an opportunity to help (at least not as part of my job). I do care, though, and I try to make sense of it all because the things I see at my job (jail) make me reconsider many things. Is the criminal justice system really random or is it directed against a group of people? And on the other hand, how many people get arrested again and again and continue to blame The Man instead of trying to change the world for the better while they're out? See, I'm confused because for me a life of crime had always meant living outside society's rules: Cool Hand Luke and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I didn't think a life of crime meant despair and an early death and the hatred of everyone around you. So I'm confused, and I'm trying to find the answer, but I don't really do much to help anyone.
SJ, who is that Constantine fellow? I'd love to see his homepage.
Great entry. I like how you get personal with your feelings. Right now, you don't wanna know mine b/c being a Mam with a three year old, I CANNOT fathom how someone would do something like that. Its sickening and my one question is how much reform is too much? Maybe some people are just f***ing incurable and should be left for dead.
nice blog dude :)
Kali, I don't know. See, I don't know the whole story of that woman; I just read the police report. But if that's exactly how it happened then shouldn't we all be better off if we stopped caring about her? Lock her up and forget she ever existed? On the other hand what does any of that say about us as a society? The story of that woman is an exception, but what about the repeating stories? Every day the same thing: the middle-aged heroin addict who ends up with no money for necessities. And don't we all share some of the blame when this man gets arrested for stealing deodorant from Wal-Mart?
Aayush, why thank you.
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