On my twenty-third birthday, five months after I left the army and six months before I was supposed to start University, I received two postcards in the mail. One was from a friend on a trip to India, the other from a friend who moved to London, both telling me I had to join them. I remember holding the two postcards, one in each hand, rereading them and trying to make up my mind.
One postcard described sitting on top of mountains in India watching the sun rise, feeling lonely and complete. The other friend wrote about insane parties and new friends and about a band he had started and about being a part of the London music scene.
A month later I moved to London. I went to the parties and met the new friends. I learned to play bass guitar and joined the band. I dyed my hair purple. I found myself in the first ever “Reclaim the Streets” demonstration, and just before the police came, left to get my ears pierced. I called my parents and told them I wasn't coming back. I went to Glastonbury Festival and saw the sun rise over the green hills. I fell in and out of love. Moving further from the city and forced to commute, I started reading on the Tube. On a trip to Amsterdam, sitting alone in a coffee shop, I wrote my first short story. I danced in a cage in Heaven club, and made out with drunk girls in Camden Town. I found out things. I sat in a room and listened to Mogway and Beethoven and stared at a world map, watching the oceans move slowly with the music until morning came and the world stood still. I met my American Honey and here I am in Baltimore.
What if I chose differently? And maybe even if I had chosen to go to India rather than London I would still be sitting here, with my Honey sleeping upstairs, struggling in her sleep to stretch her legs because Buddy and Ginger are so goddamn needy. Maybe I didn’t have a life changing moment on my twenty-third birthday because no matter what, I would have been sitting here at this exact same spot, writing this exact same sentence.
10 comments:
We all have these thoughts: would we be who and where we are if things had been different? Part of who we are is the sum of our experiences. If you'd been in India you probably wouldn't know what it was like to have purple hair, or what to do with a bass guitare. If you'd been in IDnia you may have been too Zen for your Honey. "What Ifs" about the past are powerful, but imaginary. There is no 'what if' about the past, only 'there is' and 'there was.' The 'what is' of the future are what we need to concern ourselves with. Pour our imagination into what we can still create, how we can be, where we can go, what we can accomplish. That 'what if' is even more powerful because though it is imaginary, it's also possible.
I think that everything happens for a reason. I think you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that you made the choices you had to in order to get there.
According to Shelli, I'm not supposed to have married Prince William. That is not what I need right now.
Let's talk about purple hair. Better yet, let's see pictures.
Another thought, why don't I have friends outside the US? Any postcards in my hands would be from red states in this Union. Oh hell...
durante, I was living in Israel at the time, where the national sport is getting the hell out. These two people either got out of the army before me or got their shit together before I was ready to do that. And think about the book The Secret: If you wish for Prince William, eventually he will come, rosy cheeks and all. Maybe if enough of us wish for the Prince and you to hook up, you may actually hear a feeble knock on your door one day...
And the purple hair pictures will appear one day, I promise.
Shelli, I'm trying to reply to your comment but I'm a bit distracted by that little tongue...
Now, I don't know if everything happens for a reason, and I know I'm where I'm supposed to be (the proof of that assumption is that I'm here, which means I have to be here. Something like that). Just wondering, without regret for the choices I'd made, what if...
And Scot, I was just entertaining the idea that no matter what, everything would have turned out the same in the end. But of course, this is definitely not the end. And I do think about the future, but still, I can only relate to cause-and-effect when it comes to the past. As for the future, maybe I should be a bit more involved. But I am where I am and I'm all I can be at this moment. We'll see what happens.
I'm sorry. Wait, no I'm not. ;) I'm really hoping it entices you to come see my blog.
Shelli, I've been enticed. And thanks for linking to me (of course I'll do the same).
Now, for the love of God, put that tongue back in.
Wow, your time in London sounds like it must've been great fun! Yeah, these things are weird, sometimes I think there is a certain degree of destiny to our lives, like, at each certain moment, because of who we are, we make the decision we are meant to make because that is who we are. Eh, I dunno if that made sense...
Sebastien, I think it makes sense.
For me, it was the TV series "The Buddha of Suburbia," which I watched as an impressionable teenager. It was a show about an outsider in the 70s, moving to London and learning about the big world (while getting involved with the new Punk scene), and about his life-opportunities as a free man.
Really, there was no other way for me. The choice to move to London had been predetermined since the first time I heard David Bowie sing the title song.
That's how mysterious life is. We always ask "what if?". Could you say that it's destiny?
Thanks for droppin' by my site. ;)
I think there are two ways to ask "What if?" - there's one of regret and one of curiosity. Was I destined to be here writing this line? I hardly think God or Random Chance would spend any valuable resources making sure I sit here doing what I'm doing. But maybe... Who knows? Maybe it's all leading me somewhere.
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