On Not Growing Up

My mother woke up when she heard me cry. I was nine-years-old and sad. I can’t tell for sure what it was but I remember telling my mother I was sad because I wasn’t a kid anymore. She said it was okay, and that I was still a child and that I still had a lot of time before I stopped being a child.

Maybe earlier that day I was expected to do something I felt I couldn’t do and that brought about this need to remain a child forever. Maybe. And maybe I still wish that could happen, to live a life of no consequence and no responsibility.

Then when I was getting older all I wanted was the responsibility. I wanted to be trusted, to be counted on, to prove the world I was an adult. Maybe that’s why I was eager to join the army.

After the army I was so disenchanted with the adult world that recognition by society had suddenly become a bad thing, and the only way for me to live was to revert to a time of lonely insignificance; the childhood state I still experience.

The Antigravitation Man 04

I guess it feels good to know my friends back home still do weird stuff.

That's the problem with modern art, though. You don't know what's post-modern and what's post-modern-self-aware-irony.

Enjoy.

The Soul of the Democratic Party

It's been a while without much writing. I wish I could say I've been working on the final touches of my NaNoWriMo but it's been more like post-election fatigue. Here we were, pushing and pushing as hard as we could, arguing our points online and during family dinners, hoping America was tired of war and corruption, and here we are now, the winners, like Dustin Hoffman at the end of The Graduate, asking ourselves "What now?"

So it's not easy, the sinking feeling that even if things change they will take their sweet time doing so. After all, we're dealing with huge bureaucracies filled with constant power struggles and tailored for a system that protects a status quo many of us don't believe in, no matter who is in the majority.

They will tell us things take time, and they will threaten us with insignificance when we get impatient. "Remember Lamont," they will say. They will point their fingers at us and say we sit on the margins of public opinion; the flip-side of the far Right.

But in spite of it all, we must continue our work to pull the Democratic Party away from the so-called middle and into a defined position on issues we care about.

After three years of membership in Democratic Underground, I had to get away after a comment I made was deleted. I dared to criticize a Democratic candidate who is an opportunistic career politician. This man, who destroyed his Democratic opponent and used corrupt and racist policies to fight his Republican opponent didn't deserve our votes. I called for people to stay home. My comment wasn't simply argued against; it was deleted. Apparently, no one needed to hear this kind of argument, or as Skinner, the founder of DU wrote me, "Our policies are clear about telling people not to vote for the Democratic candidate."

This is what we should fight against, first within ourselves and later in public: We do not support the Democratic Party's agenda because we support the Party; we support the Party because its values closely resemble our own. We must fight for the soul of the Democratic Party to keep it from moving to the Right. We must stay away from Tony Blair's "Third Way Labor Party," an empty political entity with no values and no backbone. We must reject Democratic leaders who will vote to ban gay marriage and abortions, we must reject those supporting an increase for defense spending for endless, pointless wars. Now that the Democratic Party has won the election it's time we won back the Democratic Party.

Only by standing up for our values rather than blindly following our Party leaders do we stand a chance of influencing the way the Democratic Party looks in the future; only by singling out and kicking out Democrats by-name-only do we stand a chance of the Democratic Party not becoming a party of Liebermans. Only by keeping our struggle do we have a chance of making history.

Street Fountain

Screw you, Mayor O'Malley, and screw you "J. Fletcher Creamer & Son," for taking 4 hours to turn a screw off.



That's a bit harsh. At least it looked nice. So what if our basement was flooded?

The Day I Stopped Playing with My Commodore 64

Finally, at the end of the date she got tired of waiting. “Can I kiss you good night?”

I lowered my head and offered her my cheek.

I was sixteen and aware of many things about the world: I knew there was inequality and that governments were working to maintain the status quo to benefit the elites, I knew religion was invented by people and not handed down to us by God, and I knew people often died for nothing, but I knew absolutely nothing about girls and dating and all that nasty stuff. From six to twelve, I played soccer all day. Then when I was twelve my parents bought me a Commodore 64, and that became my life. So when she asked if she could kiss me I offered her my cheek.

The Forbidden Forest, Manic Mansion, Defender of the Crown, Bruce Lee, Exploding Fist, World Games, Winter Games, Karateka, Sentinel, M.U.L.E., Elite, Ghetto Blaster, California Games, Lode Runner, Alter Ego, BC’s Quest, G.I. Joe, Kung Fu Master, Ghost ‘N’ Goblins, Cauldron, Law of the West, Football Manager, One on One, Raid Over Moscow.

Looking at these titles, it’s really no wonder I didn’t leave the house. There were giant spiders to kill, lands to conquer, evil thugs to floor, mules to buy (yes!), and Soviet landmarks to destroy.

So when she asked if she could kiss me I gave her my cheek. Luckily, she thought it was cute.

Santorum: The World's Greatest

Hanging around YouTube, one finds pretty amazing stuff.

I won't be offended if you don't make it to the end of the video. It's basically the same: giving out gigantic checks, hanging out with soldiers, and posing with the family.

Advice for Leaders

Another Washington Post blog question:

What one recommendation would you make to the members of the U.S. House and Senate who will be elected Tuesday?

Now, being a busy man, I'm afraid I didn't have time to write recommendations for Tuesday's election, so instead, I cut-and-paste the recommendations I made in the previous elections. I hope that's okay:

Dear Sir/Madam,

It has been a great pleasure to see you in your hour of victory.

Now listen: I know it's hard to be a part of a system; a giant bureaucracy. I also know you may have to make some hard choices, at times vote against the immediate needs of the people. That's understandable. I will also look the other way when you support or oppose legislation along party lines if you believe that in the long run it will benefit the state, the country, and even the world. Go ahead, take a golf trip with a lobbyist; if you're going to talk business, you might as well do it in style, that's what I say. If you oppose the war but feel that going public with your opinions might be bad for your Party, rethink your opinions. Anyway, your opinion about the war is just an opinion, and nobody cares what you think--you represent the people, not your own personal ideology, and pollsters say your voters support the war, so you may as well be silent. It's not like you know anyone serving in Iraq, so what do you care anyway?

The next advice is not for all of you, so if you're straight feel free to talk amongst yourselves. Now, all you closeted lawmakers, nobody will ever know. This is the same advice I give Evangelical leaders, so you know it's a good one. Feel free to shout in public that gay people ruin America and that marriage is a holy institution given to us by God for some reason. Take a megaphone and drive around town calling homosexuals depraved sinners. It's for the good of the country. Trust me.

Now, about immigration... I know a large society is built on the sweat of cheap labor. The biggest open secret no one cares about. And I know you know about all that and I know you don't care. Still, for the sake of your party make an effort. Call for a fence. An electronic fence, what the hell. Don't worry, it's impossible to stop illegal immigration, so spreading xenophobia must be a victimless crime.

Sell your office to the highest bidder, lie your way to leadership posts, ride on the backs of people with dying family members and give them false hopes, support an endless war, look the other way when civil rights are taken away to be replaced by propaganda and media consolidation, let the eagle soar. If Bush and Chaney say it's good, that's good enough for me and should be good enough for you. No one ever achieved anything by being contrarian. Look what happened to Jesus, for Christ's sake.

And most importantly, have fun. After all, this won't last forever.

Wet Wood

When I was sixteen, I went on a date. After the movie we went for a walk. We bought ice cream and headed toward the river. I remember the smell of the wet wood we sat on. It was cold but the ice cream was good and I thought I was in love, or maybe I was. We talked about the TV series The Prisoner.

We kissed later that night, and she said I was cute. It lasted a month. She said I didn’t communicate, which was true.

When I was six, my parents took me to a child psychologist to see if I was autistic (I used to spend all day with the phone book, reading names and looking for patterns). He said I was borderline and that it would pass once I had friends. My mother bought me a football (or a soccer ball, depending on where you are) and I started making friends, playing on a street team against other streets. But when no one else was around, I played by myself, just kicking the ball from one end of the field to another, running and kicking by myself, inventing games until it got dark and I couldn’t see the ball.

That’s what I think about when I go to the back of my house after the rain and I smell wet wood on the deck: cold ice cream, teenage love, The Prisoner, and long weekends with myself. When I was a kid, it never rained on weekends.

Our Wedding Song: Blur - To the End

Ted Haggard's Letters from Home

I know it's a terrible sin to kick a man when he's down, especially someone with so much inner torment and self-delusion, but this guy, who calls Bush the great liberator of the Islamic world, well... it's still inexcusable. Sorry.


Ted Haggard quotes from Letters from Home, a collection of letters to his teenage children:

Actually, you two are already a source of strength. I can see it in your friends when they come over to our home. They see you as stable, consistent people. They trust you. When they have no idea what their own parents are doing, they know that our home is a safe place. They can depend on the fact that there is security and love here. They can tell that no one is nervous or deceptive.

Some of your friends will be in sexual trouble. . . . Others will forfeit their lives because of their lack of self-control and may lose themselves in drugs and alcohol.

Here is the basic idea: Everything in your life is public. There are no secrets. Everything you say, everything you do, everyplace you go, every thought you think is going to be known by all. So if you want to do something that you'll have to keep secret, don't do it. If you want to say something that you'll have to ask people to keep secret, don't say it. Don't believe the lie that you can ever say something, do something, go somewhere or think things that others won't know about. People who believe in secrets are people who ultimately fail.

Every time you hear that thought in your head or have someone tell you, "Let's do it-no one will ever find out," you can be sure that whatever you're considering is not worth doing.

One lie, one drink, one rendezvous, one pill, one joint, one look, one time. Yeah! Sure! Really? I don't think so.

Most of the things that happen to us are a result of the seeds that we have sown. Sometimes these seeds sprout quickly; other times they take years before producing a harvest. But they always produce.

Haggard has just stepped down from the Presidency of The National Association of Evangelicals (NAE). If he trusts his own faith, he shouldn't worry too much, as the NAE states:

We further call upon pastors and theologians, along with medical and sociological specialists with the Christian community to expand research on the factors which give rise to homosexuality and to develop therapy, pastoral care and congregational support leading to complete restoration.

Good luck, Ted.

Baltimore Flugtag 2006

Sorry for the shakes. That's what happens when you quit smoking.

On Self-Improvement

Why do people spend so much time trying to be better? And why is it so hard to do? Simple things, too. I’m not necessarily talking superhero here. For example, I’m trying to stop biting my nails. I’m biting nails right now, and I hate it.

And what about the bigger stuff? What about having eternal compassion toward humanity? I wouldn’t mind that.

I recently heard about a friend of a friend who tried to kill himself when he realized he was a dick. First of all, well done to him; most of us never figure that one out. Second, and more importantly, once we’ve come to know ourselves as the people we truly are, do we need to try and change ourselves? Do I need to spend my life trying to overcome my dickishness or can I give in to human nature, be conscious of my human limitations and do the best I can? I’m not talking overcome in a Nietzsche kind of way; nor am I talking Jesus here. In other words, even if I say overcome, I don’t mean reaching some kind of ideal; just a simple roadway to peace and understanding.

I don’t know if it’s even possible. I’ve noticed my behavior more recently and realized I often act, well, like a dick. Yet, maybe if I stop trying so hard and give in to my inner nature I will be a better person. I don’t know. I think about stuff like that, but at the same time I can’t have a day without biting my nails. I haven’t had one maybe my whole life. When I was a kid my mom found out about this special nail-polish to fight nail biting. She put this disgusting, poisonous thing on my nails and every time I put my finger near my mouth I was overcome by the smell. But then… Humans are highly adaptable creatures. You get used to anything after a while.