Advice for Leaders

Another Washington Post blog question:

What one recommendation would you make to the members of the U.S. House and Senate who will be elected Tuesday?

Now, being a busy man, I'm afraid I didn't have time to write recommendations for Tuesday's election, so instead, I cut-and-paste the recommendations I made in the previous elections. I hope that's okay:

Dear Sir/Madam,

It has been a great pleasure to see you in your hour of victory.

Now listen: I know it's hard to be a part of a system; a giant bureaucracy. I also know you may have to make some hard choices, at times vote against the immediate needs of the people. That's understandable. I will also look the other way when you support or oppose legislation along party lines if you believe that in the long run it will benefit the state, the country, and even the world. Go ahead, take a golf trip with a lobbyist; if you're going to talk business, you might as well do it in style, that's what I say. If you oppose the war but feel that going public with your opinions might be bad for your Party, rethink your opinions. Anyway, your opinion about the war is just an opinion, and nobody cares what you think--you represent the people, not your own personal ideology, and pollsters say your voters support the war, so you may as well be silent. It's not like you know anyone serving in Iraq, so what do you care anyway?

The next advice is not for all of you, so if you're straight feel free to talk amongst yourselves. Now, all you closeted lawmakers, nobody will ever know. This is the same advice I give Evangelical leaders, so you know it's a good one. Feel free to shout in public that gay people ruin America and that marriage is a holy institution given to us by God for some reason. Take a megaphone and drive around town calling homosexuals depraved sinners. It's for the good of the country. Trust me.

Now, about immigration... I know a large society is built on the sweat of cheap labor. The biggest open secret no one cares about. And I know you know about all that and I know you don't care. Still, for the sake of your party make an effort. Call for a fence. An electronic fence, what the hell. Don't worry, it's impossible to stop illegal immigration, so spreading xenophobia must be a victimless crime.

Sell your office to the highest bidder, lie your way to leadership posts, ride on the backs of people with dying family members and give them false hopes, support an endless war, look the other way when civil rights are taken away to be replaced by propaganda and media consolidation, let the eagle soar. If Bush and Chaney say it's good, that's good enough for me and should be good enough for you. No one ever achieved anything by being contrarian. Look what happened to Jesus, for Christ's sake.

And most importantly, have fun. After all, this won't last forever.