Getting Ready

Things are about to change.

We wanted Liam to have a sibling, because we couldn't imagine our lives without our own brothers and sisters. For me, at least, my sister--even when we were fighting and she was throwing plates and knives at me--was the only one I could really trust. I wouldn't say it was always an Us vs. Them in our family, but most of the time, she was the only one who's made any sense to me.

And it's still like that. Even more now, when she's not trying to kill me.

So I believe that in the long run it will be great for him to have a little sister. But, you know. Things are going to change. Everything is going to change. It's scary and exciting for me and for Honey, but for him... I mean, he's just getting to the stage where things start making sense. We were driving today, and he was pointing at stuff, saying Sign, Car, Tree... The world is becoming a place he expects to know now. It makes him happy to expect things to be a certain way and then to be proven right. And everything is going to change.

So we drove downtown. We walked around the harbor for a couple of hours. We looked at the ducks, and we chased birds, and we sat on a bench and shared a greasy cup of fries, and he suddenly got up and started spinning because someone was playing the saxophone. It was a beautiful day.

I'm just going to have to learn to let go.

It's all good.

A Story With a Punchline

So the Water Damage Inspector comes in to check if after two days of crazy giant fans everywhere our walls and ceiling are dry enough to start the restoration work. He comes there with another woman, a new employee who is supposed to follow him around to learn. As soon as they get upstairs, Liam hands her this book.

She recognizes the Hebrew and asks me if we've ever taken Liam to Israel. I tell her that yes, because his grandparents live there.

"Whereabouts?"

"Tel-Aviv."

"Oh... Is that... Is that the capital?"

"No. Jerusalem is the capital, but--"

"Of course it is. Certainly."

"No, it is. But Tel-Aviv is the biggest city."

"But wait, where's the US embassy?"

"All the embassies are in Tel-Aviv, for political reasons. But the capital is--"

"Of course, of course. The capital is Jerusalem, of course."

"No no," I say. "I'm not making a political statement. Jerusalem is the capital, and--"

"Of course it's the capital. Just because there's some mosque there it's not going to be the capital?"

But that's not the story I was going to tell. This one is the story with the punchline:

Before they leave, while the women shows Liam pictures of her dogs on her cellphone, the guy comes up to me.

"So, I finished inspecting everything. You can call the insurance company and tell them that they can send someone to start the restoration, because all the walls and the ceilings are dry now, apart from the tiles on the third floor bathroom, but that's just because of the semen."

About a minute goes by. I'm just looking at him.

"I'm sorry?"

"You have semen between the tiles."

"Oh. I do? Oh, yes yes."

(cement)

In Which I Link to Another Post on Another Blog

At first, I wanted to write about my amazing new computer. This guy (or close enough):

Then, I thought I'd write something topical about the Olympics. Especially about the cute curling women.

I also thought maybe I should write about the doubles-luge, which is basically just like a singles-luge, only you put another tight-wearing dude lying down on top of the first guy. Maybe it's more difficult because it's harder to concentrate flying around while you're wearing tights and another dude is lying on top of you.

Then the CPAC happened, and I thought it would be fun to mention how they booed the guy who thanked the organizers for inviting GOPride to sponsor the event, and how they booed the guy who condemned the organizers for inviting GOPride, and how they booed the results of their own poll vote because Ron Paul won, and if we've learned anything from the violent Town Hall meetings, it's that Republicans think that the louder they boo, the more valid their points become.

And I thought that maybe I should write about how I still have so much to do here before What's-Her-Name comes, and how overwhelming it's getting now that we're getting into the "Any day" period. And thank God for these things, So Say We All:

But all of these posts will have to wait, or even disappear. Maybe they will be lost in time, like tears in the rain, for example. Because linking to this post is more important. Because although it doesn't prove there is a God or a bunch of Gods, it does prove that sometimes good things happen to good people.

I have an idea for a new Adam Sandler movie!

 
What happened was that Locke thought there was some kind of great REASON for him to be there, so he turned the wheel after he saw Jack's dad, and then Baltimore started traveling through time, because Locke is from around here, and finally we stabilized in the Ice Age.

Those thunder-snows, man! A thunder-storm, but with snow instead of rain. And it's really called a thunder-snow!

So I slept downstairs because Buddy was scared, and when I woke up--

Or was it the next day? I just don't remember. The days get mixed up in my head after this insanity. So one day we woke up and saw a leak in the bathroom upstairs. The sun was melting the snow on the roof, but it wasn't strong enough to melt the ice in the pipes, so water started getting into the walls and down the ceiling all the way to the kitchen downstairs, where we still have two large trash cans to collect water leaking from the ceiling.

So there was that.

A neighbor actually suggested I throw salt from the upstairs bathroom window onto the gutters on the roof, so I tried to do that but most of the salt fell straight on my face and inside my hair, and the pigeons were looking at me like I was crazy, because why is this guy standing there with his body out of the window, throwing salt on his head? It just didn't make sense!

And there were the five hours of shoveling a few days ago and another four today. I'm getting really good at that, I have to say. You know how you're about to dig your car out and there's so much snow that you don't even know where to start so you just stand there with your shovel and cry? Well, that probably won't even happen to me next time, because now I know exactly what I'm doing. This shit should be an Olympic sport. Or maybe it should be an Olympic sport in an Adam Sandler movie? They accidentally discover him while he digs his car out in five minutes. He doesn't play by the rules, but he has a heart of gold, and eventually the US shoveling team wins the gold medal.

I'm so tired...

The baby is no longer a baby. He's moved to his Big Boy Bed, which also means that by the time I've written this post he's already visited me 3 times. When he was in the crib and he woke up, he would either cry or try to go back to sleep. Now he just starts walking around the house.

And every once in a while, he says, "Go Saints!"

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against you if you like Football, but you know, I'm just not from around here. Imagine you move to India and they tell you about this game named after a common bug, where people dress up in white and use a rectangle bat to get the ball to hit this tiny piece of wood, and you say, "Hey, that sound like fun," but they tell you, "NO! THAT'S NOT FUN! THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD, YOU FOOL!" So I like Football, but not living here as a kid, I just can't see the big deal. It's not you, it's me. Unless you love watching the Superbowl commercials, in which case, it is you.

In which I write a post to avoid having a nervous breakdown

What day was State of the Union? I wanted to watch it live, but it started just before the baby was going to sleep, so instead of me watching it by myself while Honey put the baby down, she suggested we DVR it and watch it together. Rock'n'roll, Baby, whatever turns you on.

But apparently it wasn't a romantic date. An hour later, when we actually started watching, she was a little tired. When Obama said what he said about the Supreme Court, and Alito, who decided to go without his glasses to look cool, shook his head and said, "Simply not true," I said, "Honey, did you see what Alito just did?" And she said, "Yes." But then I realized her eyes were closed, and probably had been closed for a while.

I had a friend in school, who always took his glasses off to impress the girls. He sometimes even had a cigarette in his mouth. But he had Asthma, and he couldn't see without his glasses, so that look didn't really work for him.

Anyway, did you see that Baltimore thing, with Obama vs. 140 Douchebags? Motherfucker is gooood. These people spend their days calling him a Kenyan terrorist Communist Muslin abortion loving pervert, but when he comes over, they push each other to get his autograph.

A few weeks ago, last time it snowed, our crazy neighbor started shoveling the entire block at 6am. I woke up and just stood by the window, watching her, thinking about the most offensive thing I could tell her. Honey said I needed to relax.

Today's snow storm has just ended, which means the neighbor is down there now. It's 10pm, and she's just started shoveling the block. Again, I stood by the window, and Honey told me I needed to relax.

"What the fuck is wrong with her?" I asked.

"You need to relax."

"Look at her... It has to be a perfect square. She can't just shovel a path. It has to be perfect. Look at that. It's like it didn't snow today. And... Oh my God, she's moving to the next house... She's crazy!"

"You need to relax. You can't just stand there and watch her all night."

"OK. What if I told you there was a crazy person doing crazy things outside? Wouldn't you come to the window and watch him?"

"Yes, but she's been shoveling our snow for seven years now."

So now I'm downstairs, waiting for the neighbor to finish shoveling the block. I've been banished.

It was my birthday this week. 37-years-old. I don't know what else to say. I love round numbers, so 37 is just stupid.

Now the dogs are barking. Maybe it's because there's a crazy woman with a shovel outside. Fucking cunt. Sorry.

Things have been pretty good here. It's not easy right now, but we'll make it. And it's worth it. If she has Honey's face and my brain, that girl is going to be beautiful. Not that clever, but beautiful.

By the way, I wrote another review on Ask And Ye Shall Receive. It will probably be out there on Monday. Have fun reading it and tell me what you think.

It's been half an hour. I think I'm supposed to go upstairs now.