TMI: My Vanilla Sky Post

Chris from Stay At Home Dad in Lansing has just written a post about this blog. Go read it here.

In his review of People in the Sun, Chris fearlessly digs into the archives to find a man who's just started blogging after losing his job. That man becomes more politically aware, he starts a new job, he remembers events from his past, and he tries to make sense of the world. Mostly in a harmless way. Nothing in that man's writings could suggest that a few years later, that man would find himself thinking, "This is too good to be true," while staring at poop.

I've called this my Vanilla Sky week.

See, I was killing myself here. Although I said I would never again chase those damn milestones, and although I knew my mother-in-law was right when she said she didn't know anyone who walked down the aisle and wasn't potty-trained, I let it get to me.

We would spend hours in the bathroom every day. I was telling him stories, and blowing bubbles, and explaining the way the body digested food, and nothing... So I put the diapers back on, and a minute later I'd have to change them.

"No no... I'm not angry... I just don't understand why you can't... Never mind..."

And with those awful new Pampers diapers, and with the added cost of buying infant diapers, and with the intuitive feeling that he WAS ready, I pushed it.

And the more I pushed it, the more frustrated I'd become.

"Again, I'm not angry. It's not about me being angry or not angry. It's about you not saying 'No' when I ask you to sit there for a minute to see if you can do it! Why are you saying 'No' all the time?"

I knew I was doing it wrong. I knew I was getting angry with him for no reason. I knew I was pushing it. Pushing the un-pushable. But I couldn't stop myself.

Then last week, when I was at my lowest, it happened. He just went upstairs, and a minute later I heard him say, "Look! Look! Look!" And it's been like that for a week now.

And I know it's too good to be true. I know the evil scientists are playing with my brain. I know that in real life I'm lying in a gutter somewhere, mumbling, "What's so hard about sitting down and letting your body to its thing?" And I'm probably pooping my pants just to prove a point.

But I'll take the Vanilla Sky reality. I'm going to play along and pretend it's real. I'm going to pretend that my boy takes his underwear off by himself, goes to the bathroom, and then when he's all done, throws some toilet paper in the bowl. I've got nothing to lose.

This is What It's Like to Be a Stay At Home Dad

This is what it's like to stay at home with a hungry baby, a restless toddler, and two dogs. It's a long video, mostly involving some guy making really annoying noises to calm his daughter down while her milk is being defrosted in the sink. I meant really funny noises.

Deconstructing Nick Jr.

It's all really fun and all, but sometimes a man needs a break. Thankfully, this moose gives me some time to clear my head. If you asked me two, three years ago, if I'd let a moose babysit my boy with cartoons, I would have said No Way. A boy needs life experiences! A boy needs reality! A boy needs to socialize! Fair enough. I do what I do, and when I can't do anymore, I let the moose take over for a while.

So I turn the TV on, press 1-3-1, cuddle with my girl, and let the boy watch his favorite shows.

And I shouldn't feel too bad, because, honestly, Wonder Pets is the best show on TV. Seriously. I mean, I can't watch it anymore, but it's awesome. It's got this beaver or a Guinea Pig or whatever, and this duckling, and this gay turtle, and they save animals in trouble while singing songs. And the duckling is really cool. Here she is.

I'm not joking. It's that good. If you don't have children, find one to babysit so you'll have an excuse to watch this thing.

Speaking of gay animals, here's Toot and Puddle.

One of them is really adventurous, and the other one likes to stay home and tend to the garden. If you know what I mean. I can never tell which one is which, though. They also have this aristocrat neighbor who looks like Uncle Monty from Withnail and I.

Anyway, that show sucks, but at least it's not evil. Here's evil:

Now, you can't really tell how evil this show is by looking at this picture. All you have here are a villain with a lot of make up and a fucked up chin, an Icelandic superhero who jumps a lot, and a tiny 19-year-old hot chick. No, the real evil comes from the other characters. Like this lollipop-sucking monster.

Can you imagine waking up from a ten-minute nap to see this guy? The only part of his face ever moving is his mouth when he licks his damn lollipop. And the rest of them are no better.

Oh, Max and Ruby are orphans. Their grandma is their legal guardian, but she's hardly there, and when she does get home, she's drunk.

Here's another great show with a singing tampon.

I'm not being sarcastic. You have to be insane not to love Yo Gabba Gabba. Ironically, watching the show can make you insane.

And finally, competing with Lazy Town for the title of Most Evil Show in History is this soul-destroyer, where a douche bag (who ruined your high school experience by always being over-confident because too many people told him he's "got what it takes") gets to ruin your adult lives as well. This time, he's also rapping.

God, I hate his face.

Relativism

I can't lie. I missed you. I know not everyone likes you. But I don't care.

Speaking of changing the subject, you know how you're stuck in standing traffic, and all of a sudden this car comes in from the merge lane that THEY KNEW was going to end soon, and you drive a little closer to the car in front of you to make sure the car doesn't get between you two, because your mama didn't raise no fool?

And you know how you sometimes find yourself in a merge lane, and you try to get into a fast lane but car after car ignores you, and what the fuck is wrong with people, can't they see a car is trying to merge in? Why is everyone such a dick?

Or in other words, people are always right.

That's how I feel about the soccer football okay, soccer world cup. I didn't watch it last time. Actually, last time I watched a world cup game was 1998. Since then, I've had lots of fun with those idiots who spent hours watching these dumb games. I mean, it's one thing to be a little Fascist and root for your country, but why would anyone watch Chile vs. Switzerland? You're that desperate for entertainment that you'll spend two hours watching a bunch of dudes play with each other?


But of course I'm having a great time so far. And not only that. I get angry when I hear people complain about other people who talk about the games. And I can turn a blind eye to the fact that most games are shown on ESPN rather than on a network, but what kind of a country is that when a world cup game is relegated to ESPN2 because of golf? GOLF! 


Maybe it's because I get to watch a game during breakfast and another one while I relax during naptime. Or maybe it's because it's just addictive, and once you watch a game you can't stop. Or maybe it's because--and I know you Американские капиталисты don't necessarily agree--it's fun to watch these things. It's exciting, goddammit. And I know some asshole is going to say soccer is dumb, and that I must be desperate for entertainment if I spend hours watching Chile play against Switzerland. I mean, they don't even have working toilets in Chile. Or maybe that's Peru? But you know what I say to these people? I don't care! You don't like it? Don't watch it. No one gives a fuck what you think. Change a goddamn channel.

And the fact that Republicans hate soccer is maybe the best reason to watch.

The Terrible Twos and Me

The Terrible Twos are great. Highly recommended, actually.

I mean, sure, he says No all the time, and Mine, and he hits me, and when I tell him not to him me he hits himself, and he cries and screams and complains and God, how many Tums can I eat before it's unhealthy?

But it's also about him hugging me for no reason. Or saying, "Love you." Or any other random and surprising thing he does.

Like, you know how proud parents put up online things their kids are saying, because, you know, they say the darnest things and all? Here's my entry: "Buddy make kaka on the floor? Buddy tooshtoosh? Buddy douche? Fuck Buddy."

And it's also about him driving me insane all day until the only thing I can do to stop the pain is bang my head on the wall until I see the tunnel. But then, just when I'm at the point of rethinking every single choice I've made in my life because no one deserves what I'm going through, he surprises me with one word, reenacted in this video, taken a couple of minutes later:

And so with all the daily battles, I'm actually looking forward for the little girl to experience her own Terrible Twos. I'll take it all. She can scream and cry and say No and Mine, and she can throw her bib on the floor and stomp her feet and make me bang my head on the wall every single day. It's all worth it.

And meanwhile, I can wait. I can cherish the quiet moments. I can enjoy watching her discover the world bit by bit. I can look into her eyes and try to read her future. I can wait for her to tell me she loves me (and a few years later, to tell me she hates me, I guess). I'll be here, waiting with my camera.